i might be done with this blogging thing

or may be not. i'm writing this while fairly emotional and holding back tears (mainly from the realization that i feel a depression coming on/in the midst of its encroachment) which always clouds judgements. and i feel like the quick judegemns i make always lead to feeling regrettful later. so while i reserve the right to keep blogging, i don;t know what to write about anymore. i can't really use it as my journal b.c i can't really post thoughts that i have about people i know, no matter how fleeting they are b/c they are damned forever to print. and its hard to talk about some important parts of my life without talking about people or maybe interferring with their privacy and since ...thought lost. and i don't really like how much i find myself censoring. oh since i'm a kinda all or nothing, black or white kinda person i don't know that i want to just occasionally write my theater reveiws in here, b/c that's the only place where i don't either have the potential to hurt someone's feelings that i know, or feel self conscious about the intelligence of the ideas i am throwing out there.
sometimes i'm good at getting myself to do things. usually i'm not very good at stopping myself from doing things so we'll see where this goes-so check back occasionally you may find more posts.
signing off for now.

granted

i was intoxicated while i was walking home. (and now) but i saw a guy walking his dog (nothing strange about that) and eating corn on the cob. i almost stopped him and asked him if he was really eating corn on the cob. its so not in season right now.
apparently magnolia, this restaurant a few blocks from my place, that i've never been to before, has for this whole month, ending tomorrow had 5 mini martinis (that aren't sooo mini) for 5 bucks. damn why didn't i know about this sooner. but i will say that damon's chocolate martinis were better, but the cran-apple tart one was delicious. and i haven't been that drunk in a while. crazy stories were passed along. i'll post the one about the boyfriends and the auk later.
sleep well world

granted

i was intoxicated while i was walking home. (and now) but i saw a guy walking his dog (nothing strange about that) and eating corn on the cob. i almost stopped him and asked him if he was really eating corn on the cob. its so not in season right now.
apparently magnolia, this restaurant a few blocks from my place, that i've never been to before, has for this whole month, ending tomorrow had 5 mini martinis (that aren't sooo mini) for 5 bucks. damn why didn't i know about this sooner. but i will say that damon's chocolate martinis were better, but the cran-apple tart one was delicious. and i haven't been that drunk in a while. crazy stories were passed along. i'll post the one about the boyfriends and the auk later.
sleep well world

i feel like i just got yelled at by my shrink

good op ed int he times by chan dan's brother about how the republicans have been co-opted by the religious right. thanks to D. for the heads up.

took mickey to the ballet for her birthday last night. it was good. (i have more to comment, but probably won't)

feel kinda numb these days thinking about all the changes that are coming up professionally and socially and maybe in my living situation. scary.

i started this hours ago. i got too spring fevered to finish it.

my boss is out of town multiple days before this poster, which is kinda taking over my life, but also kinda not is due. doesn't look good though, doesn't seem like we are teaching these kids to read better at all. i have my hunches why.

my coworker's wedding invitation/registry and whatever website is going live as we speak. there have been many many fights over it, they also seem to have many fights over losts of things. i don't want to be a naysayer but i don't see how they get along. maybe i just see his side, but he talks about a lot of fights and annoyances and having to do everything himself b/c he can't trust her. i wouldn't want to be in that relationship is all i can say.
i am also supposed to be home doing homework and then going for drinks, but at 6:44pm i'm still here and don't know when i'll get all this stuff done b/c i'm still going to be going for drinks-can't miss that social life.
oh also my boss's b'day and there is a special happy hour for him that everyone went to but we weren't invited to.

paraniod

ok remember that burlesque game show i won back in august? there was a stciker for it on the back of the bus set in front of me today. cool but random. and no that's not the paranoid part.
the paranoid part was being awake from 4:30-5:30 this morning fearing that there was a mouse in my room going through my trash. its not so paranoid, we are having a mouse issue currently. i had a bag of papers to be recycled that it sounded like it was going through, but it didn't look like there was any movement. i tried to convince myself that it was noise from weather going on outside and just go back to sleep but that didn't work very well. i turned on my light and the noise stopped, but then came back. and i couldn't get to sleep with the light on. i wasn't afraid the mouse was going to jump on my bed, i don't know what i was so freaked out about or why i was unable to go back to sleep. i finally turned on some classical music (avro part) turned off the light and went to bed. eventually i fell asleep. both the trash and the papers have been removed from my room. but it still makes me shiver a bit.
sending out some love to all my grad school friends who might be struggling with it these days.
l8r

chocolate oatmeal raisin peantu butter chocolate chips cookies

were brought in today by our wonderful intern. i love that she loves to bake and share. yum.
i feel a little miffed, but for no reason and will totally get over it, but the carbles are going to see 'who's afraid of viginia woolf' without me. i feel like every time there is a broadway show i want to see i invite them along, and i totally want to see this. i've never seen it before and it somehow feels imperative that i do. anyone want to see it with me?

today i am leaning towards bank street. it just seems easier-less to deal with. but not totally sure.

i offered up my room to tilda and her man for this weekend. don't know if they will take me up on it, and not totally sure how i feel about it, to be honest. i know its the nice thing to do, but as i've mentioned before i don't share well. but also they don't have tons of cash and i will be away friday and sat nights for walper's b'day (need to check that that is still on, should probably get/make her something). really its fine. i might just ask them to drop off my laundry including sheets as payment for services rendered, if they stay at my place.

as we all know a pastime that takes up a lot of my time is attempting without succeeding at online dating. this often involves checking craigslist. here is a recent title: Jewish guy with foreskin (newly stretched) - 26 what the ...? he posts regularly as of late and is apparently re stretching his foreskin. isn't he killing nerve endings instead of making them more sensitive? seriously what the fuck. did anyone see the movie, hmm what was it called? (after 5 minutes of searching) europa, europa. but at least the main character had a fucking awesome reason to try to hide his circumcision. i know i know lots of people are against male circumcision, but this is 26 years later people, and why would you advertise it either way? maybe this guy isn't for real about that, but it doesn't make him any less crazy.

oh they are coming out with an american version of fever pitch, a nick hornby movie. you may remember, if you are mickey, when i watched the original (which was just ok, but probably better than this one will be) by myself on a staurday afternoon and it started me crying. i'll pass on this one.

happy easter

the funk continues. i don;t know why. soon though i hope to drag myself to the gym and hope that will make me feel a bit better. esp b'c i am going to go to work later on. i know shitty for a sunday. but mike needs this stuff from me and its not really all in order and i tried to get it together friday just before i left and it was really annoying, so this is an ok time to get that all together. and drdr and i are going to a show tonight, but it doesn't start til 9:30 which definitely means getting home late.
many peeps were in town this weekend, but i didn't really see them. i was especially bad about this with pamster, would sounds like she could have used me to make a little more effort. had a chill evening where i drank too much wine which just made me sleepy not drunk with ern, who was in town for a night on her way back from spring break in ecuador. was also the last night for bloustine before she headed back to guate, mad early this morning. i was pretty much asleep at bar toto-but i made my appearance at least right?

hours later. i went to the gym and just did cardio. i didn't go to work, while on the train i contemplated it, but then realized that i didn't have my id. which is fine. it's my weekend, and it would have been worse if i had gone to work. not that it was bad, just not great. i did very little today and left my apt just a little bit more. the show was sold out, some money saved, but it was the last night of the show, and i had kinda wanted to see it.
oh well, there will be more culture in my life in the near future.

i watched way more tv today that i usually watch in a month, i may have become addicted to grey's anatomy and to desperate housewives. ouch. never. i will find a life soon.
i emailed a guy that's not jewish on nerve, he emailed me back and called me out on it, and i kinda brushed it off. which is stupid, b/c clearly it means a lot to me.

thoughts on purim:
i really don't like that we go out and drink after killing someone and then going on a revenge spree. maybe its to tell us that we are all human and all have inclinations to act in bad ways and to recognize that so that we later won't actually act on that in any way. i have more thoughts, but like so many they aren't very clear.
but at least i sent a letter to my old boss, benny, i hope he's doing well. the good thing about the holiday is the giving of gifts. and the recognition of friendship-giving more to friends than to those less fortunate.

found a new place for craft lessons: www.churchofcraft.org kinda want to check it out. anyone in?

ok i'm aiming to get to work at a decent hour and not hear too much of the bbc world report, so its off to bed for me.

chag semeach

went to sharre zedek last night to hear the megillah and then stayed for their schpeil. somehow this has become the place i go to to hear the megilha but have never stayed afterwards before. i was nervous about this as it was not so cheap and i didn't think it would be very funny, or it was in only in a ha ha ha groan sort of way not in a jokes made me laugh and clap sort of way. which is what it turned out to be. it says a lot, about what i'm not sure, maybe the job market in new york that mot of the people in it are trying to be working comedians or are on the stupif vh1 lets talk trash on the 80s shows or one is on the daily show and one guy writes for the daily show. there goes my chance of being in a purim schpeil in ny. but it was funny and the two beers afterwards were also nice. glad i went. the first boy i ever kissed who had a tongue ring was there. i think i kissed him either the day or the day after he got it. that was sophmore year of college. not sure i've talked to him since. apparently he just moved here from LA and is still rather ZBT.
got home at midnight. decided to stay up for an hour watching bring it on. there is a definite difference between getting home at 11 and staying up for an hour to watch a movie and getting home at 12 and staying up to watch a movie. i also got home to find that there are apparently a few more creatures living in our apt than we would like. (mice. no fun). schwartz called at 3 am outside my door wanting to come over and snuggle. i of course said ok and stumbled downstairs to let him in. and yes he did stay over and no we didn't hook up. the heat in my room drove him crazy though and he seriously propped open my windows, which are still propped. i hope it doesn't rain on my computer. at some point, i'm not sure when he gained a lot of weight. and if you didn't know what he looked like before you probably wouldn't think it was a bad thing, i hope he's doing ok.
my roomate's parents are staying with us this weekend. i've never met them before. usually when i think no one is home i just head out to the shower naked and carrying my towel. but b/c of schwartz i had my towel on, and i'm glad i did b/c as i come out of my room i notice that the bathroom door is closed and think, fuck. then i hear a deep voice say hello, i turn around and find my roomie's father right there and have to make small talk til his wife comes out of the bathroom. rather glad i didn't just stroll out in my birthday suit this morning. was also very glad to get into the bathroom and away from the awkwardness. its my apt, i don't feel weird walking around in a towel from my room to the bathroom, but it is a bit odd to meet someone's parents that way.

fyi. i over course emailed 18th century boy but am not axiously awaiting a response. kinda doubt i'll get one. his loss.
also anyone remember spidey-he's a friend of schwartz who lives with his multiple cats on the other side of brooklyn but is the only access i have to sailing. he got my number at new years and then i wouldn't let him walk me home. he left me a message last night looking for a purim party/wondering if i'd be out. odd. i will probably call him back. i don't want to burn that bridge to a sail boat, but among other reasons he's too tall for me.

am i supposed to respond to this?

the following is the text from an email from 18th century boy (why do they always write a teasing email just when i've stopped thinking about them?):


Good lord, Vegas was bizarre.  So bizarre.  So very very bizarre.

Sorry it's been so long since I've writ, but--damn.  So very very bizarre.

No excuse really, so I won't make more.

The Coen bros things sounds like it would be a tremendous success or
failure, but nothing in between.

Also odd--on the plane on the way to Vegas, I sat in front of two people,
one of whom is an editor for L Magazine, and both of whom were at the
reading we were at.

Again...bizarre...

hydration

i was going to try to work on it. but since i have a headache. i think that i haven't been doing very well with that.

ms. dr. dr. gave me a hug and took me downstairs for pistashios as a treat which was much needed to make me feel excited by this whole thing. b/c of course i am so harsh on myself that i can't accept it and 1) be happy for myself, 2) belive that i got chosen b/c i presented myself well and not that well everyone must get it. the call from the 12th street girls was totally appreicated, but maybe would have been more so if i wasn't jut about to be asleep when the phone rang. thanks peeps.

my boss looks very gq today. i can't really deal with his shirt, i think that it clashes with his hair. nice shoes though.

i keep going back and forth over grad school, but am also waiting to hear from GW and maybe back from some peeps in the field on their thoughts. trying to keep the whole enormity of the change thing at bay either way. i feel like i deal with more substantial changes easier, like when i have to move somewhere, but it's easier to see the change, than stopping work and starting grad school and living in the same apt in the same city.

am currently reading damien, by hesse. i've never read anything by him before. apparently this is going to get all existential, but at least its cased in the form of a novel. i need to hit a library soon.

i also need to decide if i am hosting a seder for the first night of passover. i think that i probably will, but also that there will be more people who have never been to a seder than have been to one.

lots of people i know seem to be having stress over where to live and if moving should be involved. bleh. i hate overhearing people fight.
lisa

2 for 2

i got into bank street...
sweet.

d'oh

so i think i figured out how to make comments work. i just need to turn them on... who knew. but i think i am going to stick to my guns and try and keep this as semi-autonomous as possible.
i ran into misdemeanor-a friend from ireland (one of my 3)-on the subway today. she now lives in carrol gardens and is a music editor at spin. i totally think she's awesome and hope we hang out, but it was a little much for me so early in the morning. she is one of those very on people, with very awesome but large eyes, which make her even more on. she was reading the new jonathon safron foer book, which got not the greatest review in the times yesterday. i kinda take what ever their head book critic, michiko kakutani says as fact, but i'm not actually sure if i always agree with her, or ever agree with her. usually if she says it sucks i don't read it and she also reviews lots of stuff i have no interest in. the reason i know she is the head critic is from a sex and the city episode...
there seem to be two restaurants that hold particular sway among a group of my avodah friends: vp3 (the only chinese place i would ever suggest going to) and saigon grill (but only the one on the UWS) last night in honor of our guest from guate we hit saigon grill. in attendance were myself, the krealim's and the 12th street girls. it was yum. one of the great things about the place is how at home we feel there, another is how yummy the tea is. but the most amazing is how it seems as though every time you go there, they have added on another room. and the place is always packed. it amazing to think they ever could have fit in that small space on broadway-although they were pushier about kicking you out from that space. congrats to the damiligers (still trying to figure out a good name combo) on their new apt. can't wait to help paint.

so it turns out my parents don't have living wills. but they are going to get them. as am i, and renters insurance.

i just can't do it.

i'll blame it on the user interface, its just not savvy enough for me. or maybe its the little hipster in me. but i just did some looking and jdate, and i don't know if its really so different from nerve, or such a different idea but its lame and sucks and i dont want to be a part of it. give me a break. actually give me a guy's number. please people set me up-i dont ever meet anyone new. if you set me up i will be able to start talking about something else-big plus for you!
narg
looking for love in all the cliched places.

i might sign up for jdate

i'm that desperate and that lonely. but i want to work on a relationship, not just jump into one and have that solve all my woes. who am i kidding that's exactly what i want. was emailing a bit back and forth with cyferman, but he of course at the same time was iming with his girlfriend. this made me feel uncomfortable and a little icky and i stopped emailing him. kinda like i wanted all of his attention. but its her birthday so she deserves it. wonder if he sent her anything snail mail-he should have, wonder if they say (read: write) i love you, wonder if they have cyber sex. [time to insert a disclaimer, this is my blog and my thoughts, and yes other people read them, i even encourage it and i don't reveal my deepest darkest or most hidden or most inappropriate thoughts. silver in his blog today wrote this all more eloquently than i am here. but basically i hate the i sensor what i might say in terms of my audience. this has less to do with cyferman than with other recent post topics or potential topics, esp ones that involved people that live outside of my head, or maybe readers of this zine of sorts (i know this is so not a zine, but i always wanted to have a zine of my own!)] there was a time when i would have felt comfortable asking him these things, but we aren't there yet, not when asking would be motivated out of jealousy and not out of gossipy interest in a friend's life. its funny but in some ways i find myself looking for another cyferman who has his likes and interests. its what feels comfortable. its also me knowing that i find the hipster pretty boys attractive and all but aren't the ones i find myself into-perhaps why the disappearance of 18th century boy is so sad.

in my notebook during class i took notes on things to blog on. its at home i forget. my general tiredness is one. the definitive fact that martin from cafe regular is irish wasn't another one, but could be. how dirty the subway is was definitely one. hmmm. we'll see. maybe i'll write again later. maybe not. oh yeah st louis kids: beetle bob gets a shout out on the salon.com audio file page. almost forgot about him. when driving in staten island the other day i was totally reminded of driving in the burbs in st louis, esp which ever ones you went through to get to best buy. dude i totally forget roads out there.

cauliflower and beer for dinner

and now i should definitely be asleep and deal with this tomorrow.
but a couple cute thoughts. the dc and nyc underground public transportation systems could not be more different. there is definitely something to be said for quiet and cleanliness and escalators that work even if you often get the feeling of entering into a sterile vaginal shaft. it also freaks me out how nothing in dc is more than 4 or 5 stories tall, but that doesn't stop buildings from being massively huge and a lot of the buildings are light in color.
finished prep which i'm glad about it was just going to make me cry-ok maybe a little emotional. but more i feel like i've been in a self absorbing funk for the last week. i'd like it to go away, i don't like feeling as if i might cry from the book i'm reading on the subway.
i also don't like that i accidentally ditched a psychiatrist appointment today-due to my being in dc and will have to pay $200 for it. do i have that money. no. good thing i took the chinatown bus back and not the train.
ok really i have many more thoughts on topics and some grad school thinking through to do but i should go to sleep.
thanks to hathaway for her internet map and living will research skills. they didn't admit her to the bar for nothing...

i got in!

to tufts. i have officially been accepted to grad school!!!!!!!!!!! he he he he he he.
ok that was a risky move to check before the GW interview, but sweet.
more later.

its warmer down south

many a thanks to tilda for driving all the way to dc. the headlights and my headache would not have gone well together. i got less sleep than usual this weekend. in part b'c i was sharing the bed with bed-hog hoya. the first night though i didn't mind b/c she was obviously so tired during dinner. and last night she wasn't bad at all. just woke me up early on a sunday. but amazing how much you can get done on a sunday when you leave the house at 10:35am!
here's to well deserved fondue at the chocolate room on 5th ave in honor of jean-michael basquiet, jaques derrida, postmodern theory and a rainy sunday afternoon.
sometimes i forget just how many babies there are in park slope-the answer. a lot.

points to talk about:
-the brooklyn museum, and actually coolness of the artwork of basquiet and how they find a way for visitors to connect and reflect back on all the exhibitions and i dig it so much, and also niceness of going to an exhibit with someone else so you can
-judaism, and to some extent all religion and how much is it a choice. and the wanting jewish friends thing but also wanting non-jewish friends and how it can make people feel uncomfortable and while i think judaism is all about creating awareness, and that often manifests itself in creating fences and the fences do not in fact make good neighbors but create an other or 'the evil other'. and just what boundaries are appropriate, especially in mixed company
-dave responded to my craigslist ad for him, but the pic isn't cute
-hmm, i had a story that had to make it into the blog that tilda had, but i don't remember. something about the kosher wine selection, or something about what she wants on her nieghborhoodie underwear. oh i remember. we were in tea lounge and this guy was wearing a neighborhoodie (it is weirder to see someone without a neighbohoodie in my neighborhood and brooklyn in general than with one) if his sweatshirt was a nh. he looked up slightly confused and said yeah. i just laughed. everyone here has them, apparently you're still itn if you have one inside the beltway.
i guess i'll post this and hopefully elaborate on the above points tomorrow. my eyes hurt and i need sleep.

friendly friday good advice

we are old enough to make descions for ourselves. we should all have a living will. i'm working on finding out how to do this and will pass along the info.

i wish i was at the beach, coney island would be good

what do you want first the random, the culture review or the serious. i'll go in reverse order so you can ditch out at any point without potentially being dragged down.

seriously people do i get my upper left ear pierced and wear a hoop? remember i have spock ears over here.
martin is so nice for letting me drop off my keys for tilda to pick up and for knowing my order. love love love cafe regular.
called monica's parents to try and find her sister's number in hawaii (helps that i can't remember her sister's name) the maid picked up. doesn't speak much english and i had to call back several times before i could get across that i wanted to leave a message on the machine.
must apply for financial aid
want to fill out clearwater application to work on the sloop!
went for a drink with my coworker friend last night which was exciting. i hope we hang out more. she's cool and i've wanted her to be my friend for a while. i would totally go to her concerts but they are always on friday nights.

so in night three of lisa and mollie's week together we went to dixon place (a true downtown arts venue, i am so in love with their big couch). it was supposed to be a night of dance, i would call it a night of performance art. not complaining-i'm into performance art, just feeling the need to classify.
her friend sarah was showcasing a work she created and performed. there were lots of themes in it but i won't get into those, just say that it involved the intertwining of words and dance and while the story could have been told with just the words, it totally could have have had the same meaning with just the dance. and the movements definitely intensified it all. i remember in 8th grade going to see a pgh dance council show at the eddy theater at chatam and it was a modern group and it was the first time i has seen dancers speak, or in reality do spoken word stuff while dancing. it seemed revolutionary to me, and also really hard. now it just seems par for the course, and nothing intrinsically special at all. seeing sarah's piece again brought me back to the consilience issue that i think i talked about yesterday-certainly i talked about it in the real world. how everything is everything else. like how dancers, ballerinas per se are trained in one way but also so much is given off by their facial expressions and how much of some modern dance-or performance art is just in the blocking and really what discipline should you be trained in because you are taking from all of them.

later on in the evening we ended up at barbes, which had an excellent band for whom the best description is triplets of Belleville. i think they are playing celebrate brooklyn this summer but their web-page showed no other up coming shows, which is sad for all of us.

so exactly 13 years ago today my brother died. its the secular yartzhiet. in about 3 months i will have been alive as an only child for the same amount of time and then more, as i was alive with an older brother. i had more to write about it before. and have lots of thoughts, but just don't feel like writing anything about it now. march 18th. next week is his real yartzheit, maybe i'll have more to say then.
peace yinz

i want to quit my job shout out to early day miners

morning err afternoon rock ons:
mollie for purchasing a beautiful, classic and elegant dress a great price for the wedding of bridezilla;
martin at cafe regular for knowing my order and being willing to keep keys for me;
Rafi for matching. NYC looks forward to his return this summer.
send some love to hoya as she prepares for her committee mtg tomorrow
______
got this email from tufts yesterday;
Your application for admission has been reviewed and a decision letter will be
mailed to you shortly.  You can also view the decision online at
https://webcenter.studentservices.tufts.edu/gradadm/formslogin.asp.  Please
allow us three business days to post this information to your web page.

how frigging annoying. why don't they just wait it its uploaded to email me in the first place!
______
mollie and i had night 2 of our cultured week last night at mercury lounge where we saw early day miners. matt griffin's band. he plays drums and is so cute when he does. you can see him nodding his head to keep the beat. the band was pretty good. your basic sounds like death cab for cutie indie rock stuff. 3 of the 4 of them are married the other has been with his girlfriend for 9 years. hello commitment. i bet i would like them better on cd, i bet it wouldn't be so overpowered by the bass and guitars. strange how different a band sounds live than on cd, and i get disappointed when it doesn't sound as clean live. ran into someone from high school at the show (mf). she is the same as ever, which is always friendly but also a little crazy. i think mollie and i may go see her band at the living room. pretty easy to get mollie to go to music that is described as bluegrass.

i have some changing opinions about urban land use and preservation that i think may bring me more in line with my boston architect friend. we'll see. i will discuss at length further. my thoughts were more stirred by the ethics of using animals for research and the science talk this morning where the researcher is doing a large genetic linkage study looking at anxious behavior with lots of being raised in the fake wild monkeys who are only handled for 10 days (which are continuous) a year. is it ethical to to research with animals-human or not, or esp the non human primates, which look so damn human and lives are at risk from so many other man made perils. i got to go back to the great stephen jay gould and his theory that it coulda been anything that ended up like us-so what gives us the power to take dominion over every other species?

been some free floating anxiety as of late. sometimes i think being more properly hydrated would help to control it. i also think that physical contact brings it down-part of the reason i loved laying in chad's arms so much, and part of the reason i wish i had someone else's arms to lay in.

but i have begun to come to peace with the fact that probably 18th century boy not calling me back has nothing to do with me, even given my slightly over the top emails. oh well. his loss. and now i need someone new to obsess over, or even better to actually date.
til later
l.

guest blogger for this post: mickey

am in line at mama's food shop, listening to the great music playing
and trying to decide what delicious food to pile on my plate.  as i am
contemplating, i notice that there are about 5 decent looking men
working behind the counter.  ages 23-30. they have that
i-am-employed-in-the-east-village hipster/hippy (its a fine line
sometimes) look and its working for them. i am making a mental note of
this, when i notice of of them counter guy's totally hot ass.  his
jeans were sitting below his waist, like below his ass, as is the look
for puffy jacket teens. but! this guy was not hiding it under a puffy
jacket - he was exposing his totally cute navy blue briefs!  a bold
look, and considering his physique, very wonderful. he was putting
together an order for delivery. upon seeing his ass, i thought of
brookburg. upon looking him up and down and realizing he was on the
whole beautiful, and black, and had a head of long dreadlocks which
were pulled back into ponytail, i KNEW it was brookburg material. the
only detractor was that he was tall, not a quality that brookburg
loves, but one that this author does.

bowl me over bolero

first though lets send some good speaking vibes to cambridge this am for DL's debut lecture.

question to ponder: should i get my ears pierced? tell me what you think.

ok for those interested parties i can do a recap of the current boy sit, or really lack of sit
1. i have a profile on nerve. no one has ever contacted me i have contacted a few people
2. i have posted a couple CL ads. most recently as a half joke as a response to someone's ad. either he didn't get it or doesn't think i'm cool. got some other responses though. no one of interest though.
3. tattoo artist aka suerte aka guy i met in a bar who put me home in a car service aka guy who owns his own brownstone that i've slept in twice and not done much more than kiss aka guy who's number i deleted from my phone aka guy who emailed me last week but i shot it back in his court aka someone i should make friends with before summer b/c of his backyard
4. 18th century boy aka cute boy aka last guy from nerve i went out with aka guy that lives in my neighborhood aka guy that i've come on way too strongly too aka guy that i've emailed twice out of turn aka guy that i really want to call me back aka guy that isn't going to call me back aka guy that makes me sad and check my email all the time
5. anyone else? nope.

ok and on the real business. last night's philharmonic.
mazel directed, i think of him as a real pgh guy. he is also an understated director, unlike kurt masur who mollie loved who is much more involved with his whole body. but i think by being understated mazel shows off the orchestra and makes it their show. the newly commissioned piece was not nearly as bad as it could have been. i was waiting for it to be over though, it was a fairly dark creepy sad but not atonal or dissonant piece but at one point it seemed as if the circus was coming to town. the soloist, who didn't appear til the 2nd half and was only in 2 relatively short pieces was a great violinist, although seemed a bit full of her self during the applause. i would have liked to have heard more from her. the last scheduled piece was ravel's bolero. how can you not love. very rhythmical, very upbeat very repetitive, getting stronger with each repetition and each new instrument being brought in. loved in. hummed it all the way home. and then there was an encore, which was really good and showing off the orchestra in the same way bolero does. but don't know what it was-wasn't in the program. i could see how the 1st 3 pieces fit together and how the 2nd 3 (including the encore) but not how the two halves linked together. unless that was the point of the soloist who played in pieces 3 and 4. again, i don't get how composers can hear the whole thing in their heads and then translate it to individual instruments on paper.

b/c cont

senior year of college i tried to escape. i was either drunk/schemeing of cool ways to get drunk or if it was the afternoon camped out in a comfy chair of the bookstore reading. i read all the contemporary irish fiction they had and most of the current bestsellers. i read some good stuff; tara road, girls guide to hunting and fishing, bridget jones among others. stuff i could lose myself in and not have to think about the world or more importantly my future. the book I'm reading now prep feels like that. its a quick read about someone else's life and times in a new england high school, but the way i'm reading it, and that i'm reading it and not other things is totally an escape from myself, from graduate school, from taking care of myself.
____________________________
part of the reason i get so disappointed in myself is that i have high standards, but my standards are equally high for other people though. i was annoyed that my interviewer hadn't finished reading my application before i walked through the door. and had me sit there while she read part of it. i get let down by violation of expectations, or when i'm out of my way considerate for someone, but they aren't in return for me. i take it as an insult (even when there is no maliciousness involved). i feel like my shrink and my mom would tell me that i have overly high realistic expectations, but maybe its just that everyone else's are too low.
___________________________
why won't 18th century boy email me? i have certainly lost my chance now. thank goodness for walter. tilda i will probably need to cuddle this weekend.

non-ironic self-deprecation

because in every comment i hear critics and turn to cold silence, retreat and self-flagellation
b/c in glimpses of feeling pride i beat myself down
b/c i yearn for attention but shy away from having any and think i don't deserve it
b/c i second guess every action that is out of the norm but that i think is right
b/c i want to bare my soul but fear that so much
_______________________
because i wish i was creative and talented enough to work here: http://www.yhchang.com/
(warning it will take up more of your time than you expect)



just a criticism of myself and negative self-reflection but not a bought of depression.

when will i ever learn?

that i don't have to email everyone everything or right away. i just emailed 18th century boy about a play at the end of april. not to suggest we go, i just asked the carble's if they want to go, but b/c i thought he'd thinks its cool. only problem. never heard back from him from the last email. arg. double arg. the ppm where have all the flowers gone line 'oh when will they ever learn or when will they ever learn' seriously going through my head!

the 5 paragraph essay really is your friend

looking back, i think that's how i learned how to write and organize thoughts. working with the 7th graders today we were editing the text for their project. i felt like they could do better and write more, and if they had been pushed from earlier on i bet they could have. but then i was thinking what was i writing in 7th grade, would have i made similar kinds of grammar errors. probably. i laid off and thought that i really started to pull it together (if i have yet) was when i learned the 5th paragraph essay. so i guess thank you mrs. hmm whatever her name is.

bought a dress for debby's wedding. i can't find it online or i'd post a link. not sure if i love it, but it looks good and fits, and can't be returned so it's great. a little sad that i have to wear it to multiple weddings this summer-due to the expense and that this means no more dress shopping. well if i find a bargain who's to stop me. when i came out in the first dress my mother shrieked, like she saw a mouse run over her foot, at my armpit hair. we were able to stop talking about it yesterday but it is summarily unacceptible in her mind. i'm considering posting an ad on craigslist looking for guys who think armpit hair is sexy and asking them to write to my mother, and to other people who will tell her that they will not think that it reflects poorly on her if they see my armpit hair.

shout out to the 12th st ladies for picking me up from tea lounge and having keys so i wasn't locked out all night. and kudos to me for showing off my new yorkerness by getting continetal to pay for my cab to brooklyn from newark at 11:30 last night b/c the plane was so delayed. i deserve it esp b/c running for stupid planes gave me this bad cough that i can still feel in my chest!

and oh at request of chad i posted a link on the side to his travel journals and cute pictures with monkeys. check em out so he can have lots of hits on his site.
cheers

i hat sunday nights

i hate traveling on sunday nights even more.
i hate that i am coughing and wanted to cry before this annoyance started
more later

Daisuke Takeuchi is my hero

he can dance modern ballet for me anytime.
last night we went to the ballet which was doing a tribute to paul simon (i have previously seen them do a tribute to sting which rocked and wanted to come home just to see the tribute to not john coltrane but the jazz guy from pgh who collaborated with the guy who wrote the A train song. help me out here people). in any case, there had been a while where i was seeing lots of modern dance and was kind of sick of it. i wanted clean fluid, flowing lines and simple stories. but that was a while ago.
i had a hard time classifying a lot of what i saw last night, during the first piece set to paul simon's music, as ballet, certainly it was not classical ballet-it was gorgeous don't get me wrong in any sense. i guess it was modern ballet. the women were all on point.
its amazing how gendered dance becomes, esp in the use of point vs bare feet and different costumes given to men and women and the
it was really interesting, esp for the first peice to see what a difference lighting and costuming make. in this peice the costuming seemed to be designed to reflect the lighting. and the lighting added so much more, it wasn't a static thing that was set at the beginning or even at the beginning of each song, but changed throughout more with the music than with the dance but also with the dance. would the work have been so impressive if they were all in pink leotards on a simply lit stage or rehearsal hall. how much of it is the dance-just the choreography and execution of the dancers, and how much of it is the performance-the gestalt or sum of all the pieces together. and then how much is the dancers, and their abilities? my hero-definitely a great dancer, defiantly wants to be a star, and definitely has a personal style different than others. again it was very clean, but also very angular.
how do composers or choreographers work? how do they see all the different movements of different people simultaneously in their head? and then how to lighting people come in and turn it into a performance, and then how do the choreographers know that the lighting people won't make it all distracting and fuck up their visual. and i get how you script out lighting cues, but how do you write down choreography-esp when multiple people are doing different things at the same time, even if they are close-maybe even esp if they are close?
oh and the ava maria piece, which was much more 'traditional' or i guess classical is the correct term, was incredible. it was two dancers and the grace, agility and strength of the woman was incredible. at one point she was on point with her legs spread and knees bent (imagine a rectangle being made with the floor on the bottom her things as the top, and from knees to toes as the sides) for what must have been 30-40 seconds, and she didn't waiver at all. beautiful and incredible.

i also has some thoughts about the universality of things and was taken made to consilence-edward o wilson's book that says there is some unifying thing for everything in the universal some smallest common denominator. and i could see so much of the paired dancing-which involved a ton of lifts being done or naturally leading into figure skating or more so ice dancing. just how one medium totally influences and is influenced by another and maybe they are all trying to express the same thing in different forms.

i also think that people of color might be the best term we have but its a bad term, b/c it defines an other. people of color as opposed to people without color. and because you don't say people without color (and i'm sorry but there is pigment in my dominant culture skin) than it is just implied that its the standard to which you are comparing. does this terminology get switched around in se asia for example where people without color are the other?
this also came about from noting that the principal for this show was a very muscular, shorter than i think of male ballerinas, person of color. except that i can also say he's japanese, which necessarily implies the person of color part, but kind of elevates the status by not just giving it a generic label. (but maybe this is all very obvious)

oh and one more thing. my high school health teacher/the football coach-witt- was sitting in front of us. i gasped when i saw him there.
_________________
other things:
about my house. i tell this story all the time but it cracks me up to no end. when my paternal grandmother moved into an assisted living place my parents sold her apt and took a lot of the stuff for our house. including these matching jars for flour,sugar, coffee, tea. they are old school. dl would love their look. my grandmother used them for storing those exact things. now we never had these jars but we had all these items which had their own places to be stored (in different locations in the kitchen from each other). these jars are now just being used totally for display and the sugar jar we have (b/c its not kept in the bag) sits right next to the labeled sugar jar. i don't know why i get such a kick out of it but i do. see my lack of love for change comes from somewhere.
my maternal grandmother officially moved into a nursing home a couple months ago and my parents also cleaned out her apt, but she's lived in a studio for many years so it was a lot less stuff. mainly they just exchanged our lamps for her lamps and added a table to the landing on the stairs. but now the 'den' has three lamps and 7 windows as it apparently became the light storage place.
my parents now have a wireless modem for their dsl. woo hoo. don't worry they still don't have a dvd player or cordless phone. hell for some reason half the time they don't even have a working phone.
yesterday was dad day. today is mom day. i still need to do my homework for tomorrow, and ask about going to ireland this summer. damn dollar being weak.

home

i'm 26 years old and i still hide in the far corner of the house when i hear my father yelling. he doesn't yell all the time, the yelling never lasts for long, he's so not abusive, there was a time after my brother died when his voice became practically silent, he never yells about actually big or consequential things [like when i broke the car causing a fair amount of damage or whenever he was pissed at me for staying out late with boys or he thought drunk driving, he yells about small things, usually not being done or something being a mess, or something not having followed through on]-maybe thats what makes it worse. i've always hated to hear it and never known how to react, (cold and silent and going to a far part of the house, were usually it) and now i guess i still feel the same way. part of me always thought if i couldn't hear it (like i was at college or in ny) that it didn't happen. but i guess that's not totally true.
its hard for me to see different parts of people and remember that we are all multi-faceted. as crazy as my parents drive me i also think that they are pretty awesome and have done very well by me. i just hate feeling uncomfortable in my own house, which in some ways i think i always have. like going around on tip toes so as not to set them off, but in turn not fully being me, or just retreating. looking back i think that i lot of the retreating and refusing to do anything or to go out or to get exercise was depression related.
i think my granma is on paxil (i know its some anti-depressant). but it seems to work for her. she looked and seemed comparatively good today, and of course bugged me about when i'm moving back to pgh/why i don't want to come back. my plane isn't scheduled to land til 9:20 tomorrow night, and i feel back b/c she is going to stay up worrying if i get back ok or not, and probably past her bedtime. if you wake up at 5am you've got to have a pretty early bedtime.
chad got to play with a gibbon (an ape, not a monkey) in loas. the picture is incredibly cute. it has opposable thumbs on its feet!
tennis time.

and the party favors are

morracas...for the mexican festival theme of employee appreciation day. i feel so appreciated when i get to stand in line for 20 minutes for free mediocre food and piped in music and the HR people in costume. awesome.

bought the new issue of believer yesterday for my plane ride. sweet. but i can't believe its time for another one already. i've spent a lot of this week reading the brooklyn rail and there may be a limit to the amount of contemporary lit and art crit written my wanna be pomo-ers like myself that i can read in a week-shocking, but true. i'll steal a book from my parents for the way back (and probably lose it) but lately my dad has been reading really good fiction-just stuff i read 3 years ago. no one ever said my parents were with it, in fact i've often said they are behind the times.


arg travel to/from newark. yuck and my bag is heavy b/c i am bringing home dirty laundry. my sheets to be exact-they take up more room than i thought they would.

ok got to drop this stuff off or i will be late. as is often the case with me and newark-did i day bleh enough.

oh and i had some of chill's dirty gin martini last night, yummy. might start having them more. oh and some sleuthing was done and i am invited to the coworker's wedding this summer. i'll wear the yellow dress making it totally appropriate to buy a new dress for the levinerman's (minus that whole money thing).
have a good one.

stupid blogger,

i forgot to talk baout my lack of motibation to take a shower sometimes and how i will go to the bathroom with my towel and just decide not to do it. like it takes too much energy or something. and somehow i get out of the house sooner than i usually do.
and my first memory of tofu which involved my brother cooking it when he came home from his year in isreael and turned into someone who cooked food and drank hot water and lemon instead of tea. and how my mother, father, and i all thought the tofu was gross.
but blogger lost it. so this is what you get instead.
park bar for happy hour. sweet.

things i forgot in the last post

i didn't have the energy to take a shower this morning...what is that. how is taking a shower too effortful? but i got out of the house in way less time than i normally do.
i was also going to write about my first interaction with tofu. it was after my brother came home from his year in israel. he came home and cooked wierd stuff all the time with garlic, and drank hot water and lemon instead of tea. he also made tofu. i thought it was gross and wanted nothing to do with it at all. neither would my mother or father though. he would make stir fry (not a common item in my house at the time) or deep fry it. and then 17 years later? no not that many well maybe 16 years later, shit. here i am cooking it for the first time.

is it too early to go for a parfait? yogurt of course.

so last week i purchased tofu for the first time ever from the coop. last night i attempted to cook it. i did and i ate it, but it was just barely on the edible line and everything that you stir fry becomes better when you add red wine. that's my only cooking secret. ammi, who is a suprsingly good cook, 's secret is adding sugar in any form. i once saw him add stawberry jam to pasta sauce as his sugar and it tasted good. i also did not realzie that we were out of soy sauce (which i never ever use) until i had already cut up the tofu. we all know i am not good at imporvising with spice or seasoning or just throwing to together a marinade, and if anyone has tried to do it at my apt, you know that i also lack the ingredients to do these things (its in some small way a self fulfilling prophecy).
i need to keep myself better hydrated, my cute nalgene is sitting right next to me full of water. but do i drink it no. why? interia. stupid but true.
grog is writing a story about suerte for school. i think this is funny, and so want to read it. small world yes and no, b/c if there wasn't a story on my side, or at least if i hadn't bought those glasses, he wouldn't know about him.
went to union street tea lounge last night. it was so full of jews and people doing homework and an overlap of the two. got an overpriced stella in one of the stella glasses that looks like a big wine glass that i'm also convinced is less than a pint. but it was good to drink even if i got home late and didn't do my dishes or pack for this weekend (since i will prob stay at work late tonight and then have a coop shift til 11)
bisous, moi

conflicts

7:13pm i'm at work. i'm done for the day, so i say so i'm going to keep this short. of course i have to leave by 2;30 on friday and have 2 big projects that MUST be in by then so i should stay and finish them. that was what i was going to do, but then i'll seriously need a drink and of course tattoo artist emailed me today and of course i don't have his number, but i did email him back throwing the ball back into his court.
mazel tov to mickey on the grad school acceptances. she is going, and unfortunately for us east coasters probably to the west coast
its like bar/bat mitzvah season all over again. esp with the ekc kids. there is apparently a competing wedding in columbus on the levinerman's date. oh well all the cool kids will be in pgh. and small world that it matters for some wash u kids. or at least one.
more to say? not sure. boring post i know. but sometimes it happens. salon interviewed dave eggars-of mcsweeny's fame, supposedly about the mcsweeny's fame but i think it was a pretty lame article. kinda wish i was a freelance writer. but i'd be the queen of procrastination and bad at pitching myself.
bloustine will be visiting us from guate in a few weeks. we seriously look forward to it and are sad we will have to work and will be out of town for one night of it.
oh, i remember. i got an interview at bank street! yipeee!!!!!!! what do i wear? how do i not sound stupid but sound reflective and capable and mature? i'll work on it in pgh this weekend.

i thought i said it all yesterday, but this says so much more. and could provide for hours of fun

paperdollheaven.com

call me what you will but i'm not leaving the urban northeast

from salon's war room:
Meanwhile the state Senate passed a different bill on Thursday making it legal to carry a loaded weapon into a bar or restaurant that serves alcohol, as long as the gunslinger doesn't drink. The bill passed by a vote of 17-11 and now moves on to the House where supporters are confident there are enough votes for passage.


"There are already guns in bars and restaurants now, but they are brought in by the criminals," said Sen. Ron Gould, R-Lake Havasu, who supported Senate Bill 1363, according to The Arizona Republic. "If we don't allow law-abiding citizens to protect themselves, we're doing a great disservice to the public."


-- Leigh Flayton

viva la fiesta

our lab administrator just came in with our
employee appreciation gifts (prior years: a cheap ass athletic pocket
watch, umbrella, sinch-sac backpack-fuck i've been here a long time)
this year is what looks like a dob kit that is just missing condoms
from being a safe set kit.  latex gloves included.  sometimes my job
is worth it.

revolution

before i get to that...i fell off the treadmill yesterday, minute 22 of 25 i'm in the groove, small incline going on, close my eyes and next thing i knew i was on the floor, no more groove. i'm fine. got back on, finished my time feeling a little stupid.

cute boy emailed me back:) don't know when i'll see him. but i'm pumped. actually i think i saw him on the subway last night and i almost stalked him, but decided against it, b/c there was no way i could pull it off without it looking like i was stalking him.

viva la revalution, from anarchism to 7th grade science projects
so last night i had another jfrej intergenerational study group topic: anarchism then and now. problem with the study group was that we all came with very different ideas and knowledge and the readings didn't serve to give us a common language for it. i know very little about anarchism, good or bad historical or not and do know that there are lots of anarchists in the anti-globalization or better termed global justice movement but that's not actually an anarchism movement. what i walked away from last night learning was that anarchism is about mutual aid and can be/should be about living the model of what you want society to be-being that change you want to see.
so that brings me to progressive education, what i learn at bank street about kids creating their own knowledge and while there are right or wrong solutions to problems you learn more in understanding the problem through working through it rather than front of the class teaching and rote recitation, and on reflecting on experience and practice and how things went.
which brings me to this week's installment of the 7th grade science fair. i got there (thanks to debby's phone call waking me up, i had definitely turned off my alarm since it was in bed next to me) sat down and said everyone has something to contribute and there will be no outside conversation. i was pretty good on cutting out the outside conversation, but could not get everyone to participate esp b/c they are only interested in their grades and what the paper says that they have to produce. and the kid that think is all punk and annoying and stupid, but obviously just struggles and is not getting the kind of support he needs so is rebelling and has to keep up his non-affected attitude was a lost cause for participation, i didn't know how to get him in or to be working with them on multiple levels-even though there were only 5 of them. what do you do with a whole class like that? and i kept trying to get them to really look at their data and think about what it means (both b/c that's what we do in the real world of science and what bank street would teach me. ahh ha that's probably why bank street would teach me that) but they just wanted to know what to put on the chart and be done. they refused (or seemed to, i may not have been presenting the ideas well or in language they understood) to take a step back and think more abstractly about it. this was abstract thinking with concrete objects (i know possible oxymoron) and bright kids so they should have been able to do it. i left feeling a little discouraged and thinking that a lot of the problem was their focus on just doing, not the minimum necessary but not being flexible in thinking about what needed to be done. and its part of the educational system that says you need to learn this and to prove it you will fill out this sheet. so you want the correct answers on the sheet, but ultimately just to get the sheet done. but it seems to me if you start education from the beginning with less explicit focus on the answer but more on the thinking involved and reflecting on what you are learning that when they got the their 7th grade science fair groups they may be willing to do more flexible work and thinking and get more out of it and really learn for themselves what it means to look at data or to have an experimental question and find a way to answer it. i also left the room thinking, well that's what i'm trying to model for them here, a way to interact and ask questions and do more than just check things off in a box. and yes it would be easier if it was starting earlier, but its got to start somewhere b.c i think it will make a more highly literate and trained and flexible thinker society in the end. and the idea that its got to start somewhere is what brings me back to anarchism and being the change, or the way of life that you want to see in society or think is right.
the kicker is that this all takes practice. guess that's why i think student teaching is a good idea, even for me who doesn't want to end up in the classroom.

if...

-i was one of those people who posted pictures of their crafts or their meals on their blog i would post a picture of my new mustard-old fashioned french mustard with the seeds, the kind that i can't get enough of at old town tavern for my fries-on my blog. its so yum. so glad i had to stock it at the coop last week.
-i didn't feel like i need to do my homework or go to the gym i would go see whatever is at the smack mellon gallery or to the ashes and snow floating museum, but maybe tilda and hoya will want to do that when they are here.
-i was on top of my correspondence i would write to my old boss benny and to the ambergs
-i was on top of my money i would start having envelopes saving for all the things i need to pay for in the next 6 months.

so much to say

? why don't my comments work? as i said before i'm ok with this, it stops me from obsessing about why i don't have any comments but i still don't get it. looking at the code it seems like i should.
i had the craziest of crazy dreams last night that involved me having a lot of siblings who were people i went to middle school with, driving an suv , my grandmother having boyfriends, lots of eric's friends, and some weird melding of pgh and manhattan in ways that could never work. but the two main themes were my grandfather dying and then not being able to have a funeral for 3 weeks and my absence from the hospital and being a bad daughter during his final weeks and that i was someone rekindling things with silver. i know where that part came from, last night mickey while inebriated (i'm going to assume) told me that she thinks i should work things out with silver and date him. i mean i could be a partner in crime and all (see his blog for reference) but there is unfortunately no present to the relationship just past. there was also lots of guilt and me being a bad daughter issues around my grandfather's death in the dream. on the whole the dream was incredibly impossible and yet also incredibly real and vivid, full chalk full of characters i know, and real places. i felt very off and on the verge of crying throughout the whole dream. glad i'm awake now.

went to greenpoint, just the edges-the nassau ave subway stop, last night for the first time in years. damn i miss that town, it felt very nicely nostalgic to be back there and to wish that i spent more time around there. glad i don't live there anymore but it was a cool neighborhood. met up with mickey and mrs white at read cafe which i used to hate, but was having a very nice feel to it. i think it had to do with the lighting- lamps at each table and it being dark outside. then we hit the new mondo beacons closet which felt exactly like the vinatge clothing shop in oakland that sold doc martens and other good shoes that we used to hang out in, it was above a store and across the street from the hippie emporium whose name i also forget. except bc was 4 times as big. then to planet thailand for yummy for and conversation and talk of all the great bars in billyburg. we decided on enid's which was slow when we got there but kickin by the time we left. oh how great a bar it is, it makes me proud to drink miller high life's anytime. seriously it was great. of course there were 3 people of color there 1 or whom was an employee and one was the dj, a crazy old probably polish guy who the bartender poured a pitcher of water on to get rid of (brooklyn chic material) and brett lookalike hipsters galore. good night all around. we will make it back to hit up mickey's favorite union pool. and i need to go to pete's candy store, and maybe just chill at mugs and the charleston. yum.
oh and i picked up a copy of the brooklyn rail which i think is a great rag. i do have more articulate thoughts on the subject but will pass for the moment and just give it up as a testament to why i like north brooklyn.

ok i think i'm awake enough now for my eyes to handle the paper.
peace out y'all and maybe the cutie from the other night who i came on way too strong to will email me back.

saturday morning shout out to the kentile floors sign

ok still can't find my deodorant. what's with my sudden losing everything that would be helpful? the crazy dreams are back, but fairly innocuous, although last night my mom was picking on my hairdo which i thought looked fine. oh right i got relieve the fist 24 years of my life sweet. we have finally come to a place where she doesn't mention my hair very often, she just makes wise cracks when i mention that i'm getting haircut-like its probably needed it for a very long time... the last two dreams have actually referenced my hairdo in some way. odd. in the one the other night i got it cut (even though it had just been cute) and for the shampooing part you had to stand clothed under a shower head in the corner of the shop. among other random things in that dream i also go my ankle pierced, or really the flesh just above my ankle a little closer to the front of my leg. why? i have no idea. i have in real life been contemplating getting my ears pierced so i can wear the incredibly awesome earrings that are out or just getting a hoop farther up in one ear, a style i've been attracted to for a while.
shabbes dinner was very nice but i was falling asleep at the end and didn't have the heart to kick everyone out. and the new soup mic a bought was super yummy. i think i will be getting it all the time, its only $2 and pretty filling. not enough for 5 people but the package tells you that... of course when they did leave i stayed up reading blogs and surfing personals for a while. i know why am i surfing personals i had such a great date-well what if he didn't think so, and i emailed him yesterday morning, which most might say was premature and i haven't heard back from him yet. i think i have to give him til tuesday to respond before i can assume it means he doesn't want to see me again. but arg i'm so cool. see the new column on the side of materialist things that i've done that others might say take chutzpah and is there as a reminder to me of some (kinda superficial) reasons why i rock.
i think that when i leave my house probably in an hour i won't be returning home til i come to crash. that's a long day, esp b/c shopping will be involved and that can be exhausting. esp b/c mollie rose is going a little insane over buying this bridesmaid dress.
another discussion of how cool some bodily functions are
bowel movements. i know this is making some of you squeamish, but i've had this same discussion already with some of you. sometimes they can just be so satisfying, esp after a night of drinking. or when they are really large. i'm not very in touch with my body but i'm in touch or getting there with certain areas. and come on there is a certain prayer in judaism to say afterwards, thanking for everything to be in good working order.
ok i guess i don't really have the energy to come up with anything poetic about it.
til later. with hopes for all of: mouse free apts, being funkless days, good haircuts, beautiful affordable dresses, interesting conferences, and beautiful days.

literary trivia

so last night i kinda went to this short fiction reading. in reality i was at a bar that was having a short fiction reading. i did go to this bar specifically for the reading, but i got caught up in conversation and then there wasn't any place to sit in the reading room and we just continued the conversation. i got into a fight with a bartender who had just essentially given me a free drink. yes i'm stupid. but does anyone else know the phrase 'domestic import' when referring to beers. like its an imported beer for sure, but its the crappy beer that the country produces. i was made to end the fight but i still hold that i was in the right. i had also signed up or a trivia contest but as i was not in the back room with the reading i missed it, but the 2 questions i overheard i totally knew the answers to-what west village bar did dylan thomas kick it in (the white horse tavern). i was there with an nyu english major and he didn't know, how fucked up is that? not that everyone would know where he drank himself to death but you'd think an nyu english major would since it was 4 blocks from nyu. stereotypes. the other question was about my boyfriend-jonathan safron foer-see earlier blog post for reference.
ended up at barbes last night. that place has different lighting every time i go in, and its never even. i keep thinking that lots of words that are not compound words are for example: everytime spell check is telling me its two words. i'm 26, literate with a degree from a top tier institution, i should know its not a compound word. and they might be willing to put me in front of children to teach them these things? help us all...
mickey sent me the best package ever this week, well i got it yesterday. its a new garden state coffe cup sleeve, since i donated mine to 199 pacific for v-day. and my tea place hasn't been having them so i couldn't get another one. i love it! love it love! did you know peter saarsguard-who founded mama's pot roast, at wash u, has a band in bushwick? see everyone cool and famous lives in brooklyn! in any case. thank you mickey.
oh right the original reason for this post. so friends of betsy's have been staying in the living room all week. a couple. they go to bed after me, but also get up after me. this is to say i don't know how they start out sleeping, but in the morning they are never cuddled, they are facing the opposite directions. i wonder if they go to sleep like that. chad and i always went to sleep spooning and i guess we never woke up curled together so its not that weird. and i think not all couples always soon or cuddle. i just pretty much can't get enough cuddling, like i've said-damn good thing walter is around to cuddle.
cheers

excitng date

so i'm home drunk and just had a good date at least i think so. he looks just like arron dobish which we all know is my type-see silver and chad for examples. he kinda has a bit of a david koffman thing going on as well. [i left my book in the first bar-fuck me why do i alwYS LEAVE books places, no worries mickey i'lll stop by for it tomorrow] i hope he emails me. we;ll see. and yes i know chad is reading this. but its my blog and my drunkenness. and i acted like my crazy self-giving him a beer mat with a happy belated birthday message, and talking to strangers-but it was also my sloppy contrary self. but it was also a first date. we'll see where this goes. turns out he lives above one of my favorite restaurants in the slope.
night all, afternoon chad, though i'm sure you'll read this at when its night.
lisa

why can't i file my taxes?

in the time i have spent yelling at the h and r block website i coud have done my taxes by hand or found another $20 website and refilled in all my information. but have i given up not yet, should i yes. just another time when i feel like life is kicking me in the face whenever i try to do something normal. i mean its not that big a deal, and not going to send me into a spiraling depression. but it sucks and is annoying. and means i can't do my fafsa yet.
have a date with what looks to be a cutie tonight. we'll see after i meet him. i hope my headache goes away so i' not all annoyed and awk
so much to do at work its ridiculous.
science mtg today was basically a larry summers bitch session. and yet again when ted shapiro showed off his brilliance, i wish i was related to him, he's so fucking smart, jewish, has a house on the cape and a sailboat and lives in manhattan, and is so thoughtful about comments he makes. i'm not so into his shoes, but i bet they are super good quality. and apparently is larry summers neighbor on the cape.
ok so looks like i will be going straight to the date, maybe grab some food hmmm where? always the dilemma. arg money and i bought so much fresh stuff yesterday. yinz know the drill i'm sure. or your better people than me, whatevs.
peace out

stressed

what is with all the caribbean guys at the co-op who hit on me? and why did i give that guy my number today?
i have so much work to do at work and am so unmotivated and have so much stuff to do for this poster for this conference in 5 weeks. which sounds like a lot of time, but not given what i have to do, plus other stuff i have to do not for the poster for work.
and the stupid h and r website is not letting me proceed with my taxes, which means i can't get my fafsa and finish all the grad school stuff.
and now its 11:19 and i haven't done so much stuff. but i did talk to my mom, and i am now in the clear at the coop. and that is something.
mmm. reading for class that was due two days ago then a little movie and then it'll be after midnight.
arg.
l8r

various

1. watched half of dogtown and z boys last night. doesn;t make me want to skate or surf, but its good and does remind me of my bmx biking dreams.
2. went to the pilates class at my gym last night. it kicked my ass, but in a good way. although what does it mean when you are doing somthing with you muscles and they start shaking uncontrollably? yes i am that out of shape.
3. why is the new online interface for my bank so shitty. why won't it tell me about recent transactions-even in the statements? i have no way of knowing how much money i have if i have no way of knowing if certain checks have cleared or not.
4. ordered my last textbook for class. supposed to be same day delivery in manhattan but lets see if it gets to me before friday.
5.you know what website i want to love but don't, dictionary.com i don't like the layout, nor do i think its nearly as helpful as it could be
6. why is it so fucking expensive and requiring a trip to newark (i hate getting to newark and esp hate coming home from newark) to fly to pgh. arg. and usair hasn't even fucking gone under yet.
7. what's with all the swearing. very unladylike.
8. speaking of being a lady. be warned this may be too personal/graphic for some of you, but not really bc i'm actually not going to go into detail, b/c i can't be bothered at the moment but i'd really like to write a missive about menstration and my connection to it and how it makes me feel like a woman in a good way, and maybe the only way, and how even if this sounds hippy dippy can be kinda spiritual. i never felt spiritual about it pre-keeper. but that totally gives me a different perspective on just what is going on, and what's being produced, and what it looks like. it makes much more sense that a lining is being built up and then shed, never got that impression with tampons. its also crazy how i do get pms, and it totally fucks with my mood and self appraisal and yet somehow i can never seems to put that together til after the fact when i can say oh that's why i felt really crappy about myself and couldn't stop eating.
9. a little shout out to chill for putting herself out there.
10. don't forget to call/write your grandparents if you've got them. they'd love to hear from you.

little snow-big snow, big snow-little snow, light snow-wet snow

no snow day here. sad. i took a snow day morning though. no one else in the office did.
_________
update on chocolate chip muffins. martin at cafe regular was out of oj or practically out so he gave me a small cupful for free (surprisingly nice of him) but the cup had just come out of the dishwasher so was quite warm and the last thing i had done was brush my teeth. but given that, the oj still tasted good. and the chocolate chip muffin had LOTS of mini chips both all over the top and all over the bottom-like they all sank there or something which i think makes sense. the dough is probably less dense than the chips. err but then why would the ones on top stay on top? in any case those are very good muffins. i still can't figure out where i have had them before though. if you know of a time in my life when i would treat myself to yummy chocolate chip muffins with lots of mini chips please email me!


LIST OF BOY'S INITIALS THAT I'VE KISSED WHO ARE JEWISH AND ARTISTS OF SOME SORT AND I'VE SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME OBSESSING OVER
RB (aka PP)-multi media, film at the time
AS-metalsmith/aspiring wordsworth
PB-writer/singer (ok totally just a wannabe but still worth of the list)
AG-photographer
ASG-2D artist, various mediums
am I missing any?
YE-but only if breakdancer counts as being an artist. but hmm since i've seen him perform outside of practice i will sy yes it does.
________________

had a good night last night. class was interesting. looking outside at the snow and the great warm glow it has in the city at night when its freshly fallen was beautiful. chatted for a bit after class with a classmate. decided to walk down to 96th st b/c the streets were so peaceful and to see if i could hear the snow falling. on 97th street i stopped for a while and looked up with my tongue out trying to catch flakes, they were too small. i was complimented by someone crossing the street who was glad to see someone enjoying the snow. had good train luck home. met up with the 12th st girls and the english boy at bar toto for a drink. the trees of 11th st were gorgeously covered with snow, in the way that it looked like it was painted on, but not so heavy that it started falling off and being uneven. the bar was cozy, the company good. the couple obviously crazy about each other. and i got chocolate mousse to make up for not being abel to find the individual servings of one smart cookies on the UWS. finished the night by finishing secretary. it all ended nicely, except in my dream i found my rings that i lost. sad that i don't have them but i love love love my new ring from the sari store, it complements the swiss cheese ring really well. it would be awesome if it were a poison ring and i could keep part of a rose petal in there. maybe next time.