as the minutes pass i'm getting less able to write this post

in part b/c the intensity of the feelings of 25 minutes ago are decreasing-funny how time does that.
in part b/c i know other people will read this, (or at least one) and as desperately as i want it to be read and known, i also feel bad about sharring that kinda of stuff/having those totally normal feelings.
i'm going to go back to reading some blogs and i feel like in a couple minutes i'll either write more or i won't.

part of me thinks my therapist would applaude saying it so hear goes, and this comes at a time when i've been feeling lonely and friend group shrinking in general.
so my brother was an editor (editotial page) at his daily and prestigious college paper. there was a reunion for their 125th anniversary and a commemorative book put out. apparently some people who were there with my brother talked and arranged to have them sign a copy of the book and send it my parents. steve's death is mentioned in a couple of people's reflections. my mom showed me the book, and what peopel wrote 18 years later. it made me cry, all of it. b/c its sad and bc i don't deal well with issues around his death and also b/c i wonder (and wondered even then when there were several vans of people who drove in from philly) if so many people would show up if it had been me, would people remember me 20 years on and want to show my parents they still thought about me. even this thought makes me cry. and i do think its seperateing myself from my brother, but my social world just seems to be shrinking a lot lately, and probably a lot of that has to do with me, and how easy it is to just rely on marathon man. but also that's lonely. and also big people have moved away and its harder to make friends as an adult.

and of course, today i met up with a group of people i went to high school with (didn't ness know) who are all married with babies-some of whom were the 2nd and here i am still living with fucking roommates. not likely to get married and unsure if i will ever have kids.

but i walked around washington's landing which i've never been to and the redevlped and it was pretty. things don't seem to be as in bloom here as the are in nyc, but also different things seem to be in bloom. i personally am always on magnolia lookout.

mourning magnolias

went for a walk in the park today and noticed that the 3 big magnolias are about to burst, also noticed in general how much destruction there was of trees from the last storm. on the walk out took a closer look, thought maybe i could gab a twig that had broken off of the magnolias to see how they were all felled. not totally but at least half of the tree had broken off. super sad. i walked silently out of the park and kinda wanted to cry.
will be interesting to see how many of the flowers bloom this year, but they will surely be gone for next year. seriously i'm crying on the inside.

trying to reconcile wanting/needing to pay less in rent with not wanting to move from my neighborhood

oof money is big issue right now. i will never be able to retire.

on the bright side, magnolias are bursting and budding-soon they will be flowering!! woot woot.

2 interviews today. 1 good (i think), liked the school. 1 meh (i think) would be a super hard job. not one i want....

ran into a current parent afterwards, said i ahd a mtg in the neighborhood--there was no where around there to have a meeting but at a school--no therapists have offices around there, would have been diff if i was coming from other direction. oh well.

the irs is catching up with me and taking their money i should have given a long time ago.

and apt stuff and landlord stuff. yikes and yikes.

up and down past week

there is some shit going down at school dealing with a student and it is interesting to see my reaction and how the admin is handling it.

taking my first on line class ever starting yesterday. i don't have the text yet. i'm not about these discussions, seem pointless to me in some ways.

i have 3 job interviews after going to my first ever job fair last week. all with charters, not bad for giving my resume to 4 places. the place i really want hasn't contacted me and one job i super don't want--1st grade classroom teacher, no thank you. but exciting none the less.

parent teacher conferences next week--could not be less exciting. seriously spring conferences are my least favorite day of the year.

oof i should be asleep.

getting out of bed has been an issue, i snooze for a long ass time these days.

other stuff? maybe. feeling overwhelmed.
apt and credit issues and where will we live in may...and can anyone get marathon a job. seriously.

2 new firsts today

after almost 10 years in nyc i played handball for the first time today. i remember when i moved here and was amazed to see that people actually play. it may be our sport of the summer, but its generally super hard to get a court.

went slot car racing. there is a place in kensington that is only open on weekends and i've known about but never seen open. we walked past today and had to go in. the 1st grader who has her own car was the most awesome part, she taught us some of the ropes. we will definitely be back with more cash so we can race each other. maybe someday we will buy a car.

overwhelmed-but what's new

Here's what's on my mind:
1) It is fucked up that Obama is letting miliaty tribunals go forward for people at Gunatanamo.
2) I am seriously worried about passing a credit check for our new apt. Marathon has decent credit but no job. I have job but shitty credit and shitty landlord references.
3) I feel out of touch with what 'people are reading these days' have seen tow people reading the same big thick orange covered book on the subway recently--what is it?
4) Am going to pgh for part of peseach this year, yikes.
5) Dealing with museum job stuff and why she is not offering me the 4/5th job and what i will do this summer to fill time/make money
6) looking for new job and dealing with that-still need to be fingerprinted, need to set up doe account, need to work on cover letter,
7) want to be able to do a hand stand for longer...