threesome

if only, last night i slept fully clothed-minus shoes thankfully-with the 12th st ladies in mollie's bed. we went there to relax with some honey wine that tastes suspiciously like manischevitz and all fell asleep. i in fact was exhausted and just went to sleep while they were talking. i love friends. i love spending saturday mornings chatting with jen in their kitchen and her making me damn yummy food, and am so sad that her departure date has been moved up to june 15h due to her job. rock on with the job by the way! and i love mollie's comfy bed. i do not love sleeping in all my clothes.

from 10pm thursday night til 11pm friday night i consumed: 4 glasses of wine, english breakfast with milk and sugar, 3 natural fruit roll-ups, 2 more glasses of wine, cashews, another glass of wine, yummy roasted veggies and quinoa, and a sip of honey wine. no wonder i passed out. it'll be exciting when peseach is over and i have drink options again, although getting drunk on wine can also be very nice.

i think that text messages maybe the final frontier for new media for interactive art and information exchange. i still hate writing them on my phone that thinks it know what i want to say, but it doesn't really. if only i could be texted pics on my phone.

gym here i come!

a bar all my friends would like

went to this bar in tribeca last night, nancy whiskey pub or something, don't remember and it was a bar that i think every single one of my friends would like. kinda, irish, small, kinda neighborhood. if the squirrel hill cage weren't so run down and smoky this is kinda what you would get. it helps that the bartender let me drink (way too much wine) for free as it was my first time there and i came in with a regular. i made a great show by spilling wine down my shirt. another fucking stained/ruined peice of clothing i wear all the time.

i finally got to take the damalers for marc's b'day picnic last night. we went to the wintergarden at the world financial center. it would have been nicer to eat outside on the esplinade, which is basically my favorite place in manhattan but it was a tad too cold and windy for that. so we ate my super yummy salad on the steps of the wintergarden instead. which was also cool. and we got to see them. and unfortuantely hear them, and it wasn't actually a cool experience, kinda distracting actually and ugly-straighten the 41ft tall palm trees. what the frick? apparently for the first year they do it once a month and then only every few years or so.

last night was also a date with clinton hill boy. i am intrigued, i have no idea where this can go or will go but definately deserves another date and probably more after that. i can't figure him out at all though and am trying to grow too attached too quickly, but then it becomes a hard balence to make sure that you aren't holding back either. arg relationships. it was funny when we spilt from the krieglans they were unsure how to say goodbye and that they would see my next week at the cocktail party but obviously didn't know if he was going to be invited to the cocktail party or not.

must find food.

why does everyone think i'm going to freak out about the levinerman's wedding

ok so i am starting to.. but was it really a foregone conclusion. i think that my shrink wants me to think that i am freaking out about it b/c i don't have a partner to share it with, ok maybe that's true. i was just at the 12th st ladies drinking some wine and mentioned that i am starting to freak out and mollie was like you've been so calm i was wondering when you were going to freak out. when i questioned why? the response was: because i know you.

new leaves are starting to show up on trees, spring is here. its nice, i still like the trees full of flowers though, but they don't provide as much shade as full leaves so i guess its an ok trade off

now my roommate is in the bathroom and i have to pee, she was in the shower when i needed it this morning. oh if i lived alone...

i want good tea

but in an effort to get to work on time (for a family that had called to cancel) and to save what very little cash i have i skipped tea. now i want to take a nap. i would break down and spend the money on good tea, but there isnt any to be had close to the hospital and its raining outside. i wish i was in bed.

false memories.
over the weekend i was offered homemade fruit compote which i was pumped for remembering my grandmother's homemade compote. i was dissapointed when it turned out to be dried fruit and heavy on the apricots-which i don't generally like-the compote i remembered was fresh fruit. at dinner on my monday i asked my companions what they thought when they heard compote dried or fresh? we all agreed fresh. chatting with one of my roommates last night it came up again and at 10pm (late to call my parents) and asked my dad how granma (no d i didn't know there was supposed to be a d for a long time) used to make it and he said she would stew prunes. that sounds so gross, i can't believe i liked it. but she did make homemade applesauce i'm sure of it.

i thought i was going to die at pilates last night. i am horribly out of shape.

i'm going to hell

certainly these radical righties who are taking over this country will think so
the below views are of course more nuanced than the statements i'm making, but basically its the opposite of the people who put on the fucked up rally last night, justice sunday, that they want the end result to be to stop senate filibuster of judicial nominanes. i hate bill frist.
1. i don't think that pornography is wrong
2. i do believe in the sanctity of life: which means a decent quality of life, which means that you are going to grow up with enough to eat, a place to sleep, emotional support and prospects for providing these things for you in the future (this makes me pro-legality of abortion, and believing in the creation of a welfare state)
3. we should not create others. we are all human and should find compromises and should not invade other countries.
4. i think that there should be mandatory background checks and 48 hour waiting periods for buying all types of firearms. i think that there should be an across the board ban on semi0-automatic weapons
5. i do not think that we should open up any more possibilities for finding oil anywhere else on the planet
6. i think that there is one god, who is the same for all the religions of the world (even if it is manifested in many gods in some religions) and so all religions should be respected, but fundamentalism of any sort can be destructive.

thought question: may those who are enslaved create (steal) their own reparations?

from a hagaddah used this peseach (which was an uncited compilation, apologies to the original author):
We are grateful, and yet what miracles and accomplishments would be sufficient (dayenu) in today's world for us to to be truly satisfied?
when the air, water, fellow creatures and beautiful world are protected for the benefit and enjoyment of all, and given priority over development for the sake of profit...
when all people live freely in their own countries, practicing their beliefs and cultures without interference or persecution...
when all women and men are allowed to make their own decisions on matters regarding their own bodies and their personal relationships without discrimination or legal consequences...
when people of all ages, sexes, races, religions, cultures, and nations respect and appreciate one another...
when all children grow up in freedom, without hunger, and with the lover and support needed to realize their full potential...
when all people have access to the information and care they need for their physical, mental, and spiritual well-being...
when no elderly person in our society has to fear hunger, cold, or loneliness...
when the people of the Middle East, and all peoples, living in strife, are able to create paths to just and lasting peace...
if tonight each person could say, "this year I worked as hard as I could toward my goals for improving this world, so that one day all people can experience the joy and freedom I feel sitting with my family and friends at the Seder table...dayenu dayenu

new trick: mice stay away from apts with mint laid out

crazy dream last night, a lot went on. a lot of place and company switching. incorporated a lot of significant to me pgh places. the good side, the dream was full of rejecting norm when he wanted to get with me, rather than me lusting after him. the bad side was that i ended up in an extended lip lock and the subsequent sledding adventure with the office romance guy. i want to set his roommate up with chill. dr dr frowns upon this b/c she thinks i'm not doing it for chill but as a way to talk to the jerk and i'm just setting myself up for feeling bad or getting hurt again. she's probably right on that account, though i do wonder if he and chill could hit it off. he reminds me of this guy from college, but i couldn't really see chill with will, but maybe who knows. in any case it would be weird if they hit if off and then she started hanging out with former office romance and

came home from dinner last night with leftovers that i definitely forgot to put in the refrigerator til about 10 minutes ago. its all kitniot. which i may or may not eat on peseach. i mean we can eat quinoa, which is straight up no two ways about it a grain, but cannot eat corn or legumes that might be confused with the 5 no no's or have them mixed in. someone made a good point last week, it should be about time not about identity, so anything that can be made in less than 18 minutes should be ok. like couscous, a huge no-no but one of the fastest to cook foods around.
dinner last night was nice, in that it felt very comfortable even though i did not feel so comfortable with the people and at times felt awkward or like the third wheel as i'm not a part of their group (will i ever feel comfortable with myself or happy with my situation?)

it's noon. i won't be done with this for a while. i need to leave dressed for seder at 6pm. what do to with my rainy day that makes me not want to travel outside my house at all, but also not be cramped up in my house all alone and not talking to anyone.

so clinton hill boy has not emailed me back yet. i don't doubt that he'll get in touch when he's back in town and i seriously have no idea where this is going/could go but something would be cool.

the brightness on my screen keeps changing and its worrying me that there may be something on the way to being fucked with my screen.

ok i don't know what else i wanted to say. i'm not loving last exit to brooklyn as much in these pages. the writing style has changed almost to the point that i feel i have switched genres, it makes the more depressing parts more real and imaginable and cringeable. just found out that david ives of all in the timing fame has written a couple children's books and teaches at columbia. i want to read them and i want him to come to a dinner party of mine.
chag semeach
l.

$2 pbr

why is it such a thing? its the cool thing to do, even if you can drink more economically, like at the gawanus yacht club which last year had happy hour $1 pbr and rest of the time $2 pbr now has it $2 all the time, but also all the time $1 short cans of bud, which at 2 for $2 is actually more beer than you pbr. but they look so silly, and of course have a large environmental impact. also new this year are 'not dogs' which come in a dollar cheaper than the veggie burgers. hello dinner.

fast walker

1. am i a super fast walker? i don't think so, i mean i'm a new yorker i get my ass places, but i feel like a pretty normal pace. i will comment that i am pretending to try to get in shape (pretending b/c thegyma dn me ain't friends and the swees and me still are) and so trying to walk more places instead of a bus or just couple subway stops and will try to do this quickly as walking takes up more travel time. my mother is the world's slowest walker, so i know how to walk slowly, though i find it painful to do a lot of the time. but sunday night clinton hill boy and i were walking from dinner to the bar and i found myself slowed down by him. and kinda annoyed. last night i was walking with a friend and i think she thought we were strolling and i of course see every walk as an opportunity to pretend to burn calories and kept finding myself at least half a step ahead and needing to slow down.

1a. walking down columbus last night past all the restaurants and couples on their cell phones and all the closed fancy shops and the trees in bloom i totally felt like i was in the ny of sex and the city, which i dont ususally feel. the uws is not right for me as a place to live, but its becoming all right in my book.

2. teenagers. where are they? the UWS. mickey and chill and i pondered this as we passed a gaggle outisde of a party the other weekend, and my past few ventures up there have been filled with them.

3. did i write already about wanting to join the flower csa, and how great i think csa's are and how it ensures that you really are eating with the growing cycle. at the coop i try to buy from lady moon farms b/c i know they are local, but then i found out they also have a farm in florida where a bunch of stuff is coming from. so much for local.

4. fights to pgh are ridiculously expensive. arg

5. reading: last exit to brooklyn. i'm really enjoying it so far. it took me a while to be able to get into the writing style. its interesting that it is so easy for me to picture it in my mind. high imagabikity as they would say. i know tus fiction but i think its not an inaccurate respresentation/or character sketch of a partciualr element of a time and place. let me just say again how grateful i am not to have grown up in poverty and the crazy stress and situations that brings to life. its also interesting there aren't that many details given, so why do i know that its set in the 50's? b/c i looked at the publishing date and that has biased my views, b/c i know that diner's like that and the langauge using to reference 'queens' more later. got to run to talk about my life.

4 for 4

I just got into NYU, which is super exciting on a couple of levels and makes me feel pretty darn good. I did not think I had a chance in hell for that program. many thanks to my application editors. It doesn't change my decision at all, but is a nice ego boost.
TC just asked me to fill out a form I sent them months ago. But so goes.
Got to give a shout out to cafe regular. almost had a conversation with martin today. i wonder how old martin is. i bet not that much older than me, but somehow i think of him as much older i've got to get over that. and the notion of adultism. i am just as much of an adult as anyone else, with just as valid opinions on matters, and just as intelligent stuff to say.
and hey 4 grad schools want my money!

hopefully the first of many and the last of a few

hopefully the first sunday afternoon spent down at the beach. hopefully it will not be as chilly in the future though. my nipples are still chilly. but there is very little like that late afternoon sun and empty beach and the waves rolling it. though it was sad to leave prospect park and various friends and the overwhelming crowds it was so definitely worth it!

i came back from the gym this morning (go me) to have to help a roomie dispose of 4 mice that had been caught overnight. this is either a good sign or a very bad sign. we are hoping for the former.

first of the two dates today was fine, but doubt i'll be back out with him again. he was nice and intelligent, not so much funny and while i think we might actually be on the same page, i just think its from different books. if he get's in touch we'll see. also he doesn't look like his pics. well one of them, but i can't even imagine the other one, unless it was from 5 years ago. and i know we all try to put our best face forward and create a certain impression, but maybe its that i look the same as i did in pics from many many moons ago.... ok maybe i looked younger then, but i'm not totally sure.
i want to sleep in, go the gym, hang out at cafe regular and then walk on the beach tomorrow, not go to work or class!

got to get back on that saline regimin

otherwise people are going to think i have a serious coke habit. (blood dripping from the nose and all)

trees are pretty gorgeous. but when they are in full leafy glory sometimes its hard to remember what they look like without leaves and bit harder to appreciated them for how pretty they are. when they are in full bloom, pre-leaf and full of flowers that is impossible to do, they are totally gorgeous, esp magnolias! and whatever ones have the nice white flowers.

passover comes next week, i am so not ready at all. not cleaning wise, not food wise, not state of mind wise. i wish i was going to do some prep work for it... but oh well. at lunch today i was warned about too much soy intake. fuck what am i supposed to eat to be healthy?: cutting out the candy bars would be a big first step though.

felt in kinda a funk all evening like i wanted to be out and about but not drinking and not talking and also not social. went to dinner with the paco ladies and we settled on a mediocre meal, which was unfortunate but is what happens when you try to dine at 8:30 on a saturday. went back to their place and watched tv. wow what freaking party animals we are. but i think i have 2 dates tomorrow, spaced very closely together. going for dinner on one of them. i've for some reason become weary of going to dinner on dates or early on. i'm not usually self conscious about food (except that i eat faster than everyone else, but i'm used to that) but dinner seems like a big deal.

getting a wake-up call to go to the gym. but then getting rewarded with brunch. yum.
peace out

flower co-op

so i recenty heard about this csa in clinton hill and went on line to check it out. its a pretty full service csa, and if you get a vegetable share you can get in on all this other stuff as well..including flowers! i totally want organic flowers every week, but i don;t want to join a csa. i totally support them and eating all those veggies would be great but also maybe a bit much. but also they have an egg co-op a wine co-op (under different management) you can order organic meat, and fruit. i would actually totally go in for the fruit, but again got to get a veggie share. plus have we mentioned how clinton hill is not at all conveinetly located near my apt. but damn i want the flowers!

two down, unsure how many more to go

i had this crazy dream last night involved a vacation dinner with susie grossinger's family. strange. it also involved tons of lizards that were supposed to be mice-in that way you know what's up in a dream when it looks like something else. that was clearly a reference to the mouse that my roomie and i had to dispose of last night.

i went to pilates last night and ran into two former avodahniks, i told them i got into grad school and was going and they were super excited which was kinda crazy since i don't really know them that well at all. but it was nice also. i should tell my shirnk that i was excited that they were excited. its also nice to have something new to tell people when you run into them.
this moring i mailed bank street a check and filled out the no thanks form for tufts.

also this morning i ran into my former office romance's roommate on the train. he approached me, which i thought was pretty cool. i was even more impressed that he knew my name. turns out that on a recent trip to visit friends in kentucky he went to a low-budget, non-ironic, bible themed mini golf course. we came up with some good ways to take it over the top. coney island here i come.

celebration drinks at doc hollidays have been postponed due to illness, everyone seems to be sick these days, so i won't get to show off my pretty new dress to mickey and chill. i better get compliments from the avodah kids (going there for dinner tonight). oh and so its a long skirt-below the knee but not full length and i haven't shaved and i am not wearing stockings or socks and have gotten some looks. tough shit people. shaving is a pain. i am seriosuly wondering what i am going to do about shaving for mrs levinerman's shower and wedding both of which i plan to wear strappless things to, and for both of which i will be getting dressed and traveling to with my mother-the anti armpit hair queen.

still dehydrated

he smokes (bad). he's not chad (this is both good and bad). he has less of an attitude than i thought (again good and bad). laughed at my half witisms but didn't have any real conversation. went to vassar, but didn't live in fairy house (vassar-highly questionable). and maybe i;m not as into short guys as i thought. he asked me out again, i said yes. not yet convinced that i would go on a third date with him, and he thought i was going to say no to the second date. i couldn't make a defininitve decision so i'm going with the two date rule on this one. sunday night his brother's honky tonk bad.

of course i come home from the bar and start imming with chad. of course this makes me half cry for some reason. of course i've been missing feeling comfortable with someone like i did with him, but i can see the reasons we got along and the reasons we weren't meant to be together. i thought i could have handled imming (first time we'd done it) but apparently not so much, i didn't know what to say and couldn't just turn it into a conversation about sex b/c we just aren't there yet at all.

i'm going to go for a walk since i don't feel like being here at the moment.
.

the fucker has been in my room again

i'm almost ok to let the mice have the kitchen and common room when i'm asleep, but stay the fuck out of my room and stop shitting everywhere. and stop waking me up. i just noticed that there is poison underneath my radiator, doesn't seem to be working now does it! arg

date tonight. hope its cool. going to the gate, not so enthused by that but at least i can walk home.

walked to the train via the park today. i think a year ago today i started this thing and noticed the magnolias. they aren't quite it bloom, but i can't wait til they are!

dr dr says i shouldn't be pissed at bruce

maybe i just can't recognize myself doing ok.
so poster was today. it went fine. drdr was wonderful and stood around for the first 45 minutes and came back later and rehearsed some things to say with me. no one shout out questions i couldn't really handle, except to question the results which was fine b/c they were totally shaky. but bossman, who didn't read the poster, didn't come by even to say hi or good luck or see what it looked like in the end til there were 15 minutes left and then stood there. he did shake my hand and say he was proud of me, which i of course dismissed offhand, feeling like i didn't do anything. but that's not true, i collected _all_ the data and cleaned it, i wrote the poster, i presented it and held my own and i was around for data analysis. so i did deserve some props.
in any case i still think bossman should have done a walk by earlier on.

then i went to the gym in the crown plaza, it was just a big nysc. i kinda like going to the gym in the middle of the day. if i start going to schools again, i might start doing that

3 for 3

i emailed GW and she emailed me back, I got in!
so sweet, and totally makes me feel good. and ack now i really have to make a desicion.

its been too long, i have too much to say

nothing of it terribly interesting.
i think i want to throw myself a cocktail party, because i deserve a party, and a reason to get dressed up, and i guess the theme will be to congratulate me on getting into grad school. to make it seem less decadent and self-indulgent, and b/c she deserves it, and b/c its a cool thing for friends to do, i am going to try to get mickey in on the plan and make it a dual bash. i'm thinking early may.

walking around 7th ave yesterday i was making some ridiculous phone calls b/c it was such a gorgeous day and i was alone and i really wished i hadn't been (as i said in a phone message yesterday if ever there is a time to be in a relationship in my neighborhood its the time of the bourgeoning of spring) i referred to 7th ave as upstreet. which is what the business district in squirrel hill is referred to by many poeple (although i didn't grow up with it in my house, everyone else did). but i was referring to walking up to 7th ave to get ice cream, a serious pgh summertime activity.

why have i not done my home work, its so fucking simple, yet i just look at stupid nerve and craigslist profiles. i miss having a boyfriend for real and also some fucked up reasons. arg. work.

let's pretend like nothing happened, and my shrink didn't yell at me for uising this as a subsitute for real intimacy

(i hate it when she's right)
so i know this guy who works for moveon. we all get emails from him, but not nearly as many as from the other people. he was at dinner tonight and we were joking about how many emails we get and when we delete them. one kid met noah for the first time and commented on how he wouldn't be so quick to delete them now that he would feel guilty knowing the author. it was much funnier if you were there.
l8r (one of the hated abbreviations)