the sunset is pretty but way too early

I got my first red bean bun from chinatown today. surprised and yet not at all surprised that it took me 5 years. it was very yummy but also in that something i could only have every so often kinda way. i doubt i got from the best place, i will have to ask the esp docents they seem to have the low down on all the good food in the area. i gave an ok tour to a bunch of nyu frummies today and then went on a walking tour of the les which was sweet cause i got to talk to this guy who is doing his dissertation at jts on yiddish comics in american papers. he has awesome hair, something makes me think his daughter must be a gorgeous little toddler.

i don't remember what i did for halloween last year, but i was a nice looking mermaid last night. did too much movement. but saw the tattoo artist on the street. he grew his hair and it looks bad. he said hi, but i was of course disappointed that he didn't flirt or at least buy me a drink. and of course i ran into another old friend and had a variation of the theme of all our encounters-which can't possibly leave either of us feeling good. hope he's not too hungover today. i always thought hungover was a compound word, spell check says so. i've been having problems with that lately, thinking too many things are compound words.

i just found my necklace, the small green glass pendant i wear everyday, on the back of the toilet about to go in. i know this has something to do with me sleeping in it and taking it off to shower and i could find it this morning but i would have been uber sad and disturbed if it had been flushed down the toilet.

after the 'gross' comment from the other day, it looks like i'm at it again

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/w4m/107534005.html

a nice tradition

so i didn't mosey up to the UWS for the scensters and the crazy dancing. it was raining. it was far. i had too much work to do (none of which got done...) but convinced folks to go the psjc instead. it was really nice, esp if you pretend you don't know about the scence and craziness and booze on the UWS. and at the end they unroll an entire torah scroll around the sanctuary and having everyone help hold it and do a tour of the torah with the kids. they point out the big parts and have someone lein (chant) the biggies. its aimed for the kids, but was something i'd never seen and i was into it.
for the people of the book, to see the whole book is pretty cool.
also saw a bunch of the kids at the school i'm at there. they weren't so much into acknowledging me. whatever.
finished the night not with work but a glass of red at the 12st bar. a total favorite.
packed a lot in today, have a bunch more to pack in....
can't see the doc before my prescription runs out, this is a problem...
lisa

shout out to bars with couchs

couple beers, some foosball and a nap on a couch is a perfect late afternoon, early evening bar activity. rock on floyd;s.
woke up at 1:45, damn i needed sleep, but think the bags under my eyes might be gone.. of course i have to be at school for the sleep over in 2.5 hours.

should we take bets on whether i'm contacted by the guy that my mom's best friend gave my email to? what if we know he's 29 and lives in brooklyn and viewed her profile online (she's 62 and lives in pittsburgh)

shout out to bars with couchs

couple beers, some foosball and a nap on a couch is a perfect late afternoon, early evening bar activity. rock on floyd;s.
woke up at 1:45, damn i needed sleep, but think the bags under my eyes might be gone.. of course i have to be at school for the sleep over in 2.5 hours.

should we take bets on whether i'm contacted by the guy that my mom's best friend gave my email to? what if we know he's 29 and lives in brooklyn and viewed her profile online (she's 62 and lives in pittsburgh)

sometimes cleaning rocks

found $30 while hanging up some pants/putting some clothing away. love it. treated myself to fresh squeezed oj, a chocolate chip muffin and a bit of martin's verbal wit at cafe regular. viva sat mornings.

why bother?

text exchange
me tot he hippie: hope i didnt gte you sick and you had a good week
translation: hey you in town this weekend? lets hang out, call me
reply text from him: knock on wood all is good...thanks 4 thinking of me.
translation: oh you, have a nice life

arg. of course too tired and too much work to deal. i find my shrink not validating of my feelings, i don't love that.
oh yeah and i've officaly bit off more than i can chew taking an internship at the wildlife conservation society doing lit reviews on what people's beliefs about zoos and aquariums are, and esp, and teaching, and school, and sleep, and trying to have a social life, and oh yeah having no income and increasing expenses....must go type up notes.

restoration

after class today (after doing some research) i decided to walk down the hudson in riverside park. i'm so glad i did, the hudson is just such a beautiful river. and the light was great and the sky blue (blue sky can you seriously believe it?) i walked down to 66th and discovered this recentlyish redone pier and chatted a little with a guy fishing off of it. interestingly there was a sign warning about the consumption of fish and mercury esp for pregnant women in spanish but no english version. than i sat on a wall and listened to the reeds (or ornamental grass as it was labeled on the do not walk on this sign) blow in the wind. it was great. and so calming and refreshing, just hit the spot. got to take in every moment of daylight while i can before it all goes away...

oy. bronx zoo so early tomorrow. and homework that was due today still isn't finished...must pack lunch as don't want to spend money. must sleep. must wish all conservatives would go away.

i know i know you've heard it before, but i love this city

so much to recap. i love new york in autumn. today i had a lovely drive on the merritt parkway (thank you mollie rose and zip car) went to the brooklyn museum to do homework and took in a faboo photography exhibit on how we are exploiting the earth; the guy's sense and use of light and scale is amazing. i think i tend to love art if i love how light is used in it. saw the fountain, went to a docent mtg at esp, got a treat at my favorite candy store on the les and maybe even in all of nyc, family owned, make their own stuff, feel as if from a different time period! then walking to the subway were a bunch of lulav and esrogim tables. i fucking love it, and i got off the subway and saw everyone at tea lounge it was great.


so draught forever and then just like the deluge we had here, it pours. two dates with a nice guy (although i think he gave me strep) and it could be cool with. we need to hang out and actually do something though.
so why am i only wowed by hippie boys going to alaska in janurary. do you how fucking dark it is in alaska NORTH OF FAIRBANKS!!! in jan. yet i am totally wowed by him. add that to the fact he _just_ got out of a serious relationship and that he lives at the end of the metro-north line. and he's a traveler, who is currently eeking out a living selling his photographs in union square. [they are ok, i really like some of them, i like his portraits but that's not what he's all about in art making mode] but he has a serious head on his shoulders, and he's super cute. so i guess the question now is will he call? while slightly inebriated on his part he offered to take me handgliding in new hampshire. how fucking much do i want to do that? i would so delay the start of my internship to do this! i want to follow up and get to run off a mountain in tandem. i never followed up with spidey and sailing b/c even though i can chill fine with spidey i was always a bit nervous about him drunk driving and found the idea of hooking up with him creeptasktic, i do not find photoman creeptastic in the least. really sweet. so will he call? i hope so. of course if he doesn't it won't cloud my judgment about guy number 1.

ok so this wasn't written in chronological order and photoman's use of light goes well with some interesting thoughts i had about the exhibit i saw at the brooklyn museum today. i wish i could remember that guy's name or the name of the exhbit but the way he used light to illuminate his objects and his sense of scale is incredible, the show has gotten mixed reviews, i loved it.

the wedding was awesome by the way. i danced my ass off. they are an amazing couple and i am so happy for them. and seriously that's what i want.

rock on antibiotics

its amazing how much better some drugs can make you feel. i'm still not 100 percent but i definitely feel like i'm on the getting better side instead of the getting worse or status quo side. soon i won't have to raise my hand to let people know i'm trying to talk. bless productive coughs bless you. although hopefully you will kick out before the wedding tonight!

i'm a seven year old again. i hate nosebleed season

all i can so that is arg. i had to leave during my favorite song of n'eiliah to deal with my 3rd nosebleed of the day. it totally fucking sucks. oh and anyone who says there isn't jewish gospel music hasn't been to psjc for n'eliah. i love it there, the place is packed, everyone sings and is into it, they blow shofars from all over the sanctuary. its a good way to end the day of atonement, but its not a sad day i think of it as a day of simplicity and reckoning.
still sick, lost my voice and have two papers to write. arg.
lisa

i am sick, i hate going out in the rain, and my new part time (assuming i get the internship) spells his name johnny

i think that's a funny spelling for a professional adult. we'll see what he's like on wed.

i was notified yesterday that if i don't get my immunization form in by the end of the month i will effectively be kicked out of school. granted i have had over a year to do this, but still. that seems a little excessive. i'll work on that next week...

shit today is my dad's b'day and i never mailed the card i made in, with enough time to get there i might add.

much to do for work and eating before the holiday begins.

one night of staying up til 3am and i feel like i'm getting sick

i don't remember which museum philosopher said it, maybe low, which is ok for you but bad for my academic career, but he talked about museums being too big and how they should have branches just like libraries that should have 6-10 items grouped according to some schema. and teach those objects for a while and you can really get something out of them as opposed to just whizzing through room after room (like i did at the moma today). i had some time to kill before not getting into an ohny tour and walked past a skyscraper lobby that had a small gallery in it featuring selections from the museum of arts and design show of contemporary art by native americans from the pacific northwest. it was fucking awesome. the pieces were so incredible and i was left longing for more. i had some more time so i went down the street to the whole museum, and granted i didn't have much time, the quality of the pieces was the same, but i was overwhelmed it just became a bunch of stuff to look at rather than objects to think about and appreciate. i think this guy is right. we wouldn't get so museumed out if we didn't try to see everything.
might get a v. low paying internship with the bronx zoo doing lit reviews. not so exciting, but good for the resume. (funny, in a really sad kinda way) thing is that 4 years as an ra i never actually did any lit reviews and suck at interpreting stats.)

master futon assembler strikes again

come one come all. anyone is always welcome to crash at my apt, but now we have a brand new (store bought) futon to offer you to sleep on. got to love the power of an allen wrench.

going to sleep on a couch does not produce nearly as great sleeping results as passing out exhausted does. but thanks to the 12th st ladies for their hospitality and refuah shlekan to the c's brother.

few things

-flying over manhattan/nyc could be cool. didn't have enough time to find my house.
-the only cute guy on the plane turns out to be dating someone i know.
-6:30 is going to come very soon and my lesson plans aren't all done.
-i left my blue hoodie at my parents place, this is an event worth crying over.
-who are the cabbies always talking to? i wonder if they have a phone sex business going on on the side.. they have to have something to be on the phone all the time.
-i got an email subject line 'jobs jobs jobs' body offering great benefits from an army recruiter-this fact was not emphasized unless you looked who the sender was and read a very small print line at the bottom. wtf, and why am i getting army recruitment emails?
-oh and the south side works, while bringing some awesome stores to the burgh sucks architecturally. its the lets build a shopping center in the form of a destination place that looks the same in ft lauderdale and la and every other stupid place i feel like i've seen this style before. and i mean i'm all for fountains, but does it have to look like its trying so hard?

i can't decide if this is narcissistic or not, if it is forgive me

(from an email to an old friend i've lost touch with, but feel like it goes even with friends i've been in touch with b/c there are some super imp peeps in my life that i feel very out of touch with know, but also know that we will still be close no matter what)

Hmm, so much to say to catch up. Its been forever since we've talked and I feel remiss in not calling you back, and forgetting your birthday (i'll admit it, i did) and its a shame i never made it up to see the house. in some part its that i feel like our lives have diverged so much since college, and while its a cop-out and cliche to attribute it to new york. life in new york is a different world. more people in my life are getting married, even in new york, but is some ways it feels like this life of endless early 20 somethings and random roommates and not yet adult-like responsibility (yes i pay rent, and feed myself, and can get some shit done, but i still feel very young) and feels like anyone not living my life couldn't possibly understand. but i think that sounds pretty lame and patronizing, its more that i'm wowed by and unable to relate to choices that my peers have made that seem so grown up and responsible and so far removed from my life right now. i don't know if i would feel differently if i were living somewhere else, or if i were in a long term relationship that was going somewhere...that's something i'd like to work on though, to be able to grow with my friendships/relationships to take them to new places when life demands that the status quo can't apply anymore-my shrink likes to focus on how life is a big transition esp out of college. my response is hello, i'm 5 years out now...and when won't life be a transition. i guess in the meantime i can work on maintaining connections, and reconnecting in new and exciting ways with old friends.
------
shanna tova, best wishes for a sweet, fulfilling and healthy new year

2 more quick things

i have a ton of bug bites and i don't know how i got them, but they suck.
i am being stalked by wildman steve brill who i emailed with my phone number to get info about planning a school field trip with him. the man has called me 6 times since friday. sorry dude i haven't been available to get back to you. please chill.

a bundle of emotions

i don't know why coming to the 'burgh is often so hard for me. my last trip in august was really nice and free of tears, the levinerman wedding weekend was fairly tear free as well, but that had a different purpose. not so much this trip. it was all i could do to hold back the tears on the way from the airport to my parents house (re: discussions of cyfer's current love life and my lack of any). i also have a lot of trouble sleeping in the burg, the huge bed actually isn't so comfortable-the pillows suck and like most beds it would be better were i sharing it-and i always have crazy dreams, last night's somewhat disturbing. i equate the 'burgh with sloth like moments for me, which i just used to think were laziness but were precursors to some real mood issues, and i think its hard to break the cycle of how i felt a lot of the time in high school, not good and not cool. so in some ways its tougher now than i'm good and i'm cool (so cool in fact that i would no longer need to go to king of the hill and pronounce my coolness) to be reminded of those times and to break that cycle here. i feel so young here, but i looked in the mirror today and was able to see a 27 year old at least for a little while.

my mother is convinced i will not be able to find a boyfriend without cutting my armpit hair. i am unable to respond to her without almost breaking into tears. it bothers me so much when she brings it up, i don't take criticism well in general, and for some reason i feel especially vulnerable when its from her. my grandmother is convinced i'll meet the right person someday. thanks grandma. my dad thinks i just need to keep putting myself out there and putting myself in places where i will meet people. i do they are all women. should have gone into investment banking.

then there's my grandmothers. i've never been particularly close with them, esp not with one of them. they are both in nursing homes and it is alternatively frustrating and sad to see them there. its scary to see how old my dad's mom has grown over the years and to think how hard it must be for my dad and to wonder how much longer she'll be around. my mom's mom has always been old, but her life is just kinda miserable and not so much with the quality of life thing, for a lot of reasons i fear turning into her. old, alone, constantly complaining of headaches or sickness (i'm on the way there already) and refusing to go out (how i was for a lot of high school and fight being that way now-think daytimes during the weekends and how hard they feel for me, well they do if you don't know). and i don't have anything to say to them, or know what to say to them, esp when they talk about being so old. it makes me feel very uncomfortable and want to jet out of there.

this all isn't helped by wanting to be in a relationship, and missing cyfer a lot. and our relationship had a lot of issues and we shouldn't be together, but it was really nice to have someone to lean on and to snuggle up into and to feel safe with. i'd kinda like to have it again. (doesn't help that i get his brothers travel journals and currently he's in guate and i look at the pics and think, 'oh cyfer and i were there together' ) and 27 isn't that old, but a whole lotta people are already coupled off in my life. i don't feel like a third wheel, but i want to be building my life with someone.

rosh hashanna starts tomorrow night. i've been feeling less and less connected to Judaism as of late and can't express what the holidays mean to me this year, because i feel like they mean almost nothing. i've done no preparation, expect for making a resolution-which i am always making-to be more hydrated (i think i wouldn't feel as shitty as often if i were better hydrated). have i grown in the past year? have i gotten ahead at anyone's expense? i have been the best friend that i could (i can think of several instances not, boston ladies you'll be getting personal emails)? have i been the best daughter (i'd be better if i didn't wait so long to buy plane tickets)? i have i stood up or even stood firm for what i know it right? have i treated others with the same respect i expect them to treat me? i have done what or more than is expected of me? am i leading an ethical life? i would hope that if i did some 'soul searching' i would look over these questions and have instances where i could answer in the affirmative rather than just the negative and i bet that's even the case. but i bet the negative would be there more than i would like it to be.

not that anyone is still reading this, but i think i will sign off before it becomes too long, too much me beating up on myself, and too personal.
l'shanna tova u'metukha