thoughts

1. Wearing a cap and gown for anything younger than high school graduation is stupid, has got to be related to the reasons for grade inflation and the lack of development of grit people have.  Kids will look cute and proud no matter what, and if you have to give them a sash!

2. Having serious feelings about the uneven implementation of the dress code at my school and wondering if we should have dress codes at all at the types of schools I find myself in.  they seem so anti0female empowerment/ promote objectification.  readers i would really like to discuss this.
basically we only need to enforce for girls and don't enforce for the 5th graders b/c they are young and innocent but do for the 7th grade girls b/c they are making statements

i think it's fucked up that we essentially say, now that you hit puberty you need to hide your body

(i'm ok with hiding body, but we should make the 4 years and the 10 year olds do it too, and perhaps i could be convinced that no one needs to hide their body)
3.  mmm. don't have a 3. except i ma kicking myself for not gettng tickets earlier to avro part performance on sat night. 1) what will i do if i don't go and 2) it's supposed to be amazaing and i think he's super cool!  arg.

4. 11 days left.  i'm ready for the year to be over, to stop phoning it in, to not have to deal with one group of 5th graders and one group of 6th graders any more.

5.  my computer battery is at 35% sadly 35% is a lot less time than it used to be

feelings

this has been the hardest week in terms of feeling sad and missing mr civic.
always super nice to see him at the coop.
i miss having a person.
first night alone, not actually true. one movie i want to go to is at bad time.

next day.
in a crying fit i ended up inviting mr civic over for pizza last night.  he came. it was nice.  just hugs, no cuddling, he left when i was falling asleep on the couch.

nice walk through the woods on staten island today. stopped off at south beach to sit by the water at 5:30 pm which is a lovely time in my mind.  nice beach day.

stopped off at a baskin robbins, i didn't get anything b/c they had no clown cones.  the guy thinks the one at 86th and u does.  easy bike ride? easy train back from the beach? belly be damned i may need to do it.

where do i compost my compostable cups?

not sure the city will take them.

Almost done with The Sisters Brothers, very much enjoyed it. hope the next book i read is also good (who doesn't hope that, but i mean i need something engaging but easy these days (or really anydays))

Had my coop shift tonight.   get so excited to see mr civic at the coop, but then it's also a time that feels sad. we get to catch up and only have the good part of our relationship and it makes me miss that part. and his hug feels so good.  time will help.

someone came by today to give a quote for the back closet and a built in dresser in my room.
she gave me some tips for easy reorg.  maybe tomorrow.  would be vry easy to do if another person was here....

not sure

if my therapist agreed with the decision i made that i thought were healthy or not, i feel like i usually leave the sessions knowing where i stand...

an hour later...
sage was burned, i cried. was moved to say i love you from the heart for the first time in a while. he seems ok. so nice to briefly catch up and check in, more i wanted to check in about but he had to go.
no my pat just smells like burnt sage.  maybe i should have done it myself, in a taking care of myself move.  but i would have bought fresh sage, not a dry bundle meant for burning.

longings...

so i found some more of mr civic's stuff. was so temping to call him, and invite him over and fall into old habits and feel taken care of and secure.  but no i will email him, and likely drop off at his work and maintain some boundries so i can learn to rely on myself (and friends) but not just drop into old familair ways.

proud of myself for riding my bike to dinner.

would not let go of my baby friend all wedding yesterday.  he helped me get through it without being too sad, and gave my biceps a serious workout.  cried/teared up when the bride's brother gave his speech, a combination of no brother to give me a speech and no guy to be my partner, was really the most emotional part of the wedding for me.
confused by the dirt putting on heads from the temple mount at the wedding, if dirt is involved in a jewish ceremony i think funeral. (other people went to ash wed) surprised at how young the rabbi was, confused by dc geography. impressed by the vibe (and whiteness in a formally black area) of u street and 14th st corridor. also slipnside buddy's brother's house is awesome. so cute and functional yet old and quirky and their dogs, oh my.  the right size and they don't lick.  seriously i want!

also at the wedding reconnected with someone from my past-that phrase contexualizes the relationship different than it was.  amazing that i never think about him, but how often i had thought about/think about silver over the years and now (norm not as much,  i do think about when he called me out about dating jews and my feelings towards non-jews, for dating, and not taking it anymore often though),  but the last time this guy was in my life was a time when i was searching for appceptance and approval and measuring it by the number of nights i spent in a guy's bed and whether or not we hooked up.  i spent a few nights in his bed (good for my ego) but he would never hook up with me (bad for my ego, but ultimately probably a plus).  we stopped hanging out around the time he started dating his now ex-wife.  he looks good these days.  when i heard she was an ex, i immediately fell back into maybe we can go back to sharing a bed.  i don't want to go back to those days where i found my self worth in others.  (although i don't love being in these present days where i traded having a feeling of self worth (good gain) for a lack of excitiment (bad) also thought as of a trade of depression for fulfillment (or the other way around as the case may be).

but here's the thing that is as true now as it was 12 years ago.  i long for someone in my bed, not finding myself in someone else's and hoping that they notice i'm even there.

of course in previous sentnce i mean figural bed, but my current bed is mr civic's old bed.  it's not so awesome but it works.  maybe i should ditch it.

um.  i have slacked off of work so much recently. i need to get back on that shit.

too tired to do the make up i told mr civic i'd be there for.

from tues:
looking not likely.
ooof.  oh well.  only money.

was a super cute guy at handstands today, assuming he's isreali-or his parents are, nice tats, and we seemed to have a little bit of a rapore.  but 1) having no interest in sex these days, not sure dating is worth it,  2) on my all that bllshit of flirting and does he doesn't he and then getting hopes up and dashed and feeling awkward about myself--that's for the birds.
but cute boys, nice.

mr civic forgot about one small bag, so his stuff is still here. my special friend wonders why i seem to be doing so well.

well one thing from my to do list done.

from today:
got free tickets to a play last night.  cripple of inishmann, overall good felt tired during second act, which wasn't as awesome as the first.  irish humour and speech patterns are awesome.

yikes reports.

in trying to make a connection with a 5th grader to tell her to get over herself, i ended up telling her i broke up with mr civic.  could have been more inappropriate, but was pointless to getting her to shut up in class (was somewhat relevant to my point at the time, not just out of the blue)

That didn't feel like closure

So we wen tout for closure dinner, but it just felt like a catch up of the week.  And he didn't take the last of his stuff that.s tomorrow or tues when I am at work. Big hug goodbye. I have him a thank you card. He wants to know when he.ll see me again.  I dunno, feel bad that this may be harder for him (but I know he will come out on top, less sure about my needed emotional growth)
I miss cuddling with someone.  Al,out crawled into a friend.s lap tat I have over for dinner on Friday, but he would have freaked out and I need to impart learn to find that comfort from within,  but a big strong cuddle sure does feel nice.

Grad school friend.s house was broken into.  That is super scary and shitty nod I.m hoping she has insurance, I really need to get me some insurance.