i forgot shitty ness of coop interview

now i'm on the other side and the person is paying all in cash so we have to do the due diligence on finances.  i don't trust that her income is real-1/4 owner of a music venue and seems to be divorcing or at least splitting from husband.

if i say, yes move in and she can't pay her maintenance, i'm screwed.  if i say no, my current neighbor is screwed. but who's to say she can't pay her maintenance.  if she really has a salary of what she says, she's fine, but there isn't enough proof that it's real and she has enough savings for a year or two, well frugally 3 or 4 and really frugally 5 or 6.

don't buy coops or condos.  they suck. (for different reasons, and you as an individual get screwed in different ways)

i am shitty with travel

i bought the wrong return ticket for this weekend.  glad i saw that now, bought it for later than i meant to.  wonder how much it would be to change it. standby-does that even exist anymore would for a 7am flight so i do not want to chance it.
arrg

also turns out my class didn't start today. starts tomorrow.  today was orientation for the program that the class is a part of.  apparently they do all 3 cohorts at once, which lets people meet each other, but then the 3rd years have head the same schpeil 3 times. oof. it's a 3 summer program.  the 1st summer seems the most intense. (and most expensive).  but i saw an all white peacock at stjohn the divine and saw the cool pheonix installation there.

had dinner outside last night (so nice) wasn't sure if was going to be dinner or just drinks.  7pm should have known that meant dinner. was decent, not standard windsor terrace fair.  had it with someone i used to have a crush on, a frat boy with a sweet, soft and smart side, who doesn't always loves his frat side but can't get away from it.  he seems to be the same, except now divorced with a kid and a crazy housing situation. i do not want to fall into my patterns of 18 and 13 years ago-ie having a crush and hanging on and having weird signals, but then nothing happening.  i am more emotionally developed than then, but still.  he did ask me if i dated a mutual friend who i think i went on one or two official dates with and made out with and was rejected by several times.  I said, i would say yes, but he would probably say no.  he said this guy would probably say yes. you never know.  this guy is married with a kid in a house n NJ and 4 motorcycles apparently.

had a drink with silver today

was nice enough.  the way we left it though i doubt it will happen again.  there was part of me that hoped he'd say lets jump back into being friends.  there was also a part of me that wanted the scoop on his marriange/divorce/marriage and all the people i used to know.

working on accepting myself and that i pay too much for plane tickets and suck at unstructured time and might not get out of bed til noon on those days.

but going mini-golfing on gov island tomorrow.

mulberry fix

i ate some mulberries off the tree today. pretty yummy but i feel a little guilty taking them from the birds, but also a fuckload had already fallen to the ground.

what is on wnyc does not match what they say should be on according to their schedule or their on air now.  why?  i always wonder when this happens.

immed with someone on okcupid last night. its a distraction. turns out he was in it for sex.  oh well.  that's not me right now. going on a date isn't me right now.

by 4pm tomorrow I will be done with my first year.

can capers go bad? there isn't a lot of liquid in it and they look a little two toned.

just signed up for my pottery class. 8 thursdays in the summer.

back to end of the first year.  i have been having issues writing my reflection of the year for my supervisor.  overall a good year.  i did no harm.  i did some good.  i learned a bit about teaching, but i question my philosophy against the school's philosophy and my educational values against the school's values (but not against parents i think i line up well with those). happy to be going back, interested to see how things play out.

ok off to shower and hydrate.  why so warm aleady?

first beach trip of the summer

public transit out to Ft Tilden, was more crowded than I thought it would be for a coolish day.
i will never get all the blown around sand out of my bag.
but saw (and heard) some oyster catchers, which was cool and worth it.
easy enough public tranist (with a bit of bike) trip but not sure nice enough to warrant it.  wonder if there is a way to combine bike and train in a not scary bike ride way.

slow morning.
ended up outside (chilly) at a bar with 4 girlfriends last night.  felt super nice and old school.  and also left before midnight, which was fine with me. at 11:45 or so though ample hills ice cream was packed.

going to see some birds nests and hear the same storiess i hear every summer on a boat this evening should be lovely

it's offcial sundays are the hardest

Here's the thing with Mr Civic's new work schedule a lot of lonlieness issues, although not all I would still have b/c he wouldn't be around to fill the void of people in my life.  I have said it so many time over the past decade but people important to my life have left new york and i have not replaced them.  and i just feel lonely.  i read an open email at work (someone else's) that was an invite to get a get together at the person's house i probably feel closest to, and i was not invited and the email asked invitees to use discretion b/c she wasnt inviting all, so obviously not an oversight.  professionally i think i am still fine with this person, but i have been wondering in other ways if perhaps she doesn't love me.  it took me years to make friends at my old school so i'm not so surprised that it will take me years here as well.  but it is still sad.  and given my lack of other friends, sadder still.

i dont think it helps that in ways i'm a pretty crappy friend, and i am totally as critical of people as my mother accuses me of being, and i can see the negative affects in has but i don't know how to change.  so here i am, seriously sad and lonely but mot depressed, but not interesting either (which at least i felt i was years ago).  when i try to be confidant i just piss people off and when i'm not confident, i'm no more pleasant to be around and feel even worse about myself.

and  i havent' bought two plane tickets and they are crazy expensive!!!
oof all around.

and i'll admit i've been going to the coop to stalk mr civic, and i only tear up when i see him.  but i have no illusions that the issues would be gone if we got back together, and i'm not even sure i'd feel any better.

no phone contract but an expensive bill

so i finally, after some time and a reminder got off the family plan.
back to my own expensive phone plan. i qualify for an upgrade.  and i have no contract. which is pretty cool.
9 days left.  trying to stop phoning it in and actually work, but that's tough. feeling like maybe this isn't the school for me. but also not sure.  no changes for next year certainly, too late for that and who needs that.
better past week, but definately went to the coop just to see mr civic yesterday, no luck and got sad when he can't take my check for the phone tonight.  also due to delay in waiting on phone by procrastinating i did not go to the gym, not a healthy thing for me. must do that more for multiple reasons.