why does my previous post look like that?

spent the day out in the country and after getting no sleep, a little bit being dripped on, sleeping in a run down trailer in the country/on the best and certainly without question most expensive microgreen farm in the area. so nice to be away.  so felt like summer. went 1) first time swimming in a quarry, 2) first time swimming hole in ny state 3) first time skinny dipping and now my chest is SUN BURNT.  saw an awesome and not small snake swimming in the water, thankfully after we got out. also saw two different toads today, got to hold one, and a different snake and at least one new bird. it was a lovely day and got to come home with 3 clamshells of flowers from arugula bolts and violets. yum. and went over an awesome train trestle and didn't have to walk to/from the train station.
went with former farmer. was chill. we'll see. i'm not convinced he's into me. and unclear to some extent about him.

my dad gets it

i wish i felt the same about my mom.

parents visit is typical.  they showed up earlier than expected so i didn't get to go to bbg, but i think i am taking them tomorrow.  which is nice, but i won't get to go on my route and visit all my spots. i will get to the liliacs, which is number one on the list at the moment.  and check on this wisteria, which was no where near blooming last week, but have seen signs of others in bloom.  i am sick of them already in the ways i cant get past them annoying me. i think it makes my mom uncomfortable when i talk about other people's babies. i want to ask her that, but also don't feel comfortable asking her that. the whitney was interesting, nice to see a fuller perspective of their permanent collection and glad to check out the building.  one thing i liked about the old building (and the hours of my old job that allowed this) was that it was possible to basically have the space to yourself if you went at certain times of the week/year--and the main stairwell was an awesome place to have to yourself.  in its new location there will be no time you get to have to yourself or have a sense of enclosure and comfort of smallness. it will provide other ways to find sense of peace/wonder/joy/etc but will have a feel much more like the moma and always have a crowd bc of location. yummy dinner at one of our fav spots. and now on my own til tomorrow, when i will inevitably wake up earlier than i want, and later than they would hope.

boys.  have decided am fwb with the syrian.  what else can we seem to want from each other?

boy who doesn't have a name yet.  farmer boy?  i think he's just so lost, and my therapist thinks too traumatized.
love. true love. marriage is what brings us together today.....said in priest from princess bride voice.

Growth, change and the same

So I didn't make a clean break with the young boy and we started hanging out again, but now I both don't know where we stand or where I want to stand. He asked if I was dating anyone and I ended telling him about the rabbi, it seemed the right thing to do. He got super pissed it seems. Went out and slept with someone else.  I asked him to go away for a weekne a couple weekends from now but unclear if that will happen, prob not.
Work friend had enough of me and we no longer communicate and barely smile at each other when we see each other. Kinda miss him.
Such a fucked up racist thing happened to him and another black coworker this week, but that is another fucking story.
Am kinda dating this guy, who is f.acinating and interesting and cute,  it comes from an incredibly different background and has not had the most stable life, but we seem to like each other and have been spending fair amount of time together. It's interesting, but no idea how it will play out.

Magnolias and lilacs oh my!!!!