things i'm thinking about today

When parents or students contact me because there were or will be absent, they only care about getting the missed homework-not the missing work in general and not the classwork that will inform the work-then what;s the point of being in school.

my desk at work is a fucking mess.
must by swiffer stuff today.--my cleaning person doesn't seem to do floors. maybe i don't have the write stuff for them to actually get cleaned.

no time to keep writing. if i will go to this shiur.

ok. off.

the dog that lives in my apt just shat in my room

while i was fucking in it.  behind the gate he stays.

and i need a plumber for my bathroom sink.
arg.

ditched silks last night. havent done anything today. not good (but did go to a fake pilates class today and out yesterday afternoon)

annoying.

10 months later....

I have some thoughts i want to write down, and maybe share, but don't feel facebook worthy esp in this time where facebook is all political or cute things (which is as it should be).
i hope to restart my gratitude journal. i never knew what to write-i felt like i was writing things i was proud of myself for--like going to the gym this am. (i wish i was able to motivate myself more at the gym. i need classes to do things. there are things i am capable of doing and know would be good for me, but i just wimp out without someone else telling me to do them.-yes i stretched a bit more after class today, but seriously bare minimum and none of the handstand stuff i wanted/intended to do.) but going to the gym makes my mind feel good now, and is definitely an investment in the me of the future.

3rd of 3 dates this weekend today. first was a nice drink, but no match. last night was nice guy, but not that attractive. funny but not vivacious. if he asked me out id go out again, but doubt a third time. here's hoping for this one. none of em jewish of course. do i care? kcr got in touch with me on friday-throws me for a loop.  why was i falling in love with him again?  was it just good sex?

listening to the radio yesterday there was a guy who was trying to buy souls from atheists.  is the idea/concept of a soul really just a religious idea. can one not believe in god but believe in a soul? i couldn't get over my questions over the conceit. do all religions even have a god? (i should know this from my high school comparative religion class)

more thoughts.
shiprecked mini golf was fun, but pricey.  we'll see when one can sit outside with pizza and beer.
also now state liquor board won't grant  liquor licenses without substantive food. no more dive bars can be created. sad.

but will we keep dating

I still really like him, but I feel like he's holding back and it's fucking with my emotions.  Oh what a time to have quit therapy. But that's what friends are for...

went to seattle for spring break, lovely as ever. did not think about work at all. freaking out at the thinking about work i should be doing. and the time/head space i am not making to do so.

why can't i just only fly trapeze?
what am i going to do this summer?
where am i going to do it?

seattle was so much more springlike than here is. but the magnos at bbg were off the hook yesterday.  glad i went b/c the weather is about to go sadly south, which also means no flying sadly.

i have no relationship with slipnslide buddies littlest kiddo and this is making me quite sad.

gratitude practice

so it looks like i'm really dating this guy. we had our first just lying in bed chat last night, and it felt really nice.
i like him.
i wonder about the typical things. i especially wonder if he will be invested in my life and hearing about my day, will he be a good listener.
then i wonder about the jewish thing, and the kid thing, i think first also there is the is he sticking around thing.

things are kinda awkward with my roomie and some of the liberties i am taking, this is why i should live alone.

its' come up a couple times in different places, the idea of a gratitude practice.  seems like a good idea. i wonder about getting lost in it, is it a place to check my privledge, to acknowledge it, how big or small, where to document it, does it need to be documented? what is the goal?

why can my students not do the work i assign them, in the way i assign them

is the thinking i'm asking them to do too high level?

started this a week ago and then ran into some login issues and it went away.

my life remains dedicated to circus, but this weekend was more all about eating and not about training than anything else.

my secret dream has been to be the great american essayist-or short form personal memoir. i am obsessed with the modern love column and the way some people hope their wedding announcement will be in the times, i hope to have a column there. both because it is vidication of myself as a writer, but also vindication of myself as a person and feeling human being and making connections to others and learning lessons.  i know this is not the only way, or even a good way for that vindication to happen, but still i think about it and wonder about it. i rarely think-would that make a good column, but more in terms of when will something happen to me that will make a good column.

i think about what i have learned about myself through circus and for sure that would work, but its not about a person, or living thing-though it is love and it is a relationship. but my work in therapy seems more apt. but while my therapist was a big part of it, was she the only one i could have worked with to affect this change and growth.

in jokier/but also more serious moments, i think i could write about my teddy bear walter and the nights i spent holding on to him when i had no one else and also how i judge a man by his reaction to walter.

but as i sat down to try my hand at this and write it out, i find myself writing what it would be about not a draft of writing it-and not even actually what it would be about.

Ooof

i knew better than to finish that book right before bed.
Books and movies about relationships make me sad and cry
And I know it's winter
But it doesn't stop the missing of mr civic and the wanting a connection and the wondering if I.ll find one or if I can build one with mr 3d, and how long and how, esp after our awkward last time together.
I really need to stop being physically I intimate with someone so quickly.

Also my father is a Facebook troll.